I smoke weed somewhat regularly, but I try not too often because it can trigger my anxiety and I can get quite paranoid when I smoke too much.

which is what happened yesterday. a friend is visiting and we smoked a lot. like, a lot a lot. it was all fun and games, but yesterday I went over my limit. not gonna go into details, but my thoughts started spinning around something I know is fine on a rational level. I was worried it‘d go wrong or I‘d done something wrong, I tried to calm myself with breathing exercises or distract myself, but it didn‘t work.

at some point my friend suggested we took a nap. we haven‘t slept a lot during the past couple of days and I was indeed pretty tired, especially since work was really damn exhausting and a bit stressful yesterday. well, I didn‘t sleep much but instead had to sit through the anxiety, but being by myself I managed it a lot better. good thing about drug induced anxiety is that you „just“ need to wait until the high wears off, which helps me to wait it out.

later that day, when we both were awake again, my friend said that I had looked as if I were falling asleep. as if I were really calm and peaceful.

isn‘t it funny how the expression on my face appearantly was the polar opposite of what was going on inside me?

I have very mixed feelings about this, on one hand it‘s worrying because I‘m trying hard to learn to not hide my emotions around my friends. I‘m trying to learn to communicate when I feel awful, but then again I don‘t want to worry my loved ones. I don‘t want to have to explain what‘s going on when I don‘t even exactly know it myself and on top of that can barely speak (I tend to go nonverbal when I‘m in distress, especially so when weed is involved). on the other hand though it fills me with this weird sense of pride that I can just put on a blank mask and appear calm and peaceful, even though I feel like I‘m being ripped apart from the inside.

the human psyche is a weird but fascinating thing.