Never have a let myself be alone. Even when I was a child I had problems with loneliness, even when people are around me. I needed comfort, love, human touch; yet I let no one touch me. I’ve never liked to be touched, I pull away from hugs even with my family. I tolerate hugs from friends, but in actually I will never feel comfortable with others hands on me.

If I look back and think, where could this feeling come from?

Haphephobia The fear of being touched. It has a name. Once you can put a name to something then you’d be able to pick it apart. Wrapping my head around this was and is very hard. Thinking to myself is this going to be something that I can actually fix? Something I’d be able to use exposure therapy for? Can I just walk up to people and let them touch me or hug me. I think not. My OCD compulsions have taken over my life.

Mysophobia Is the fear of germs. It sends shivers down my spine just thinking about being dirty unclean, untouchable. Having the outside air touch my skin causes me great distress. It hasn’t been this bad in a long time. I’d been properly medicated for years now. Even been with a therapist for three years, Until she retired.

Where do I go from here. I honestly have no idea. I know I can’t go back to my old life, my old habits, my ex. I have to keep pushing myself forward and keep my head high. But on days like today, it’s easier said than done.