…but didn’t realize it because you assumed you were already thrown off from a full day of travel and an emotional (but loving) visit with friends and, of course, you didn’t eat and then couldn’t eat and so you cried and ruminated on thoughts like “why do I even exist?” and “what’s the point and nobody loves me?”

and everything hurt your feelings and you couldn’t keep it together and what if this was like this forever and you had to start again from the hardest part and what a failure you were…

And then you said, “fuck this, I’m getting a coke and some fries”. Your favorite safety food. Salt and bubbles. But, you cried so much in the car on the way there you were too splotchy to go through the drive thru, even with your big dark sunglasses, so you cried more and sobbed deeply and somewhat uncontrollable while in a parking lot where there was a restaurant you wanted food from but of course the idea of going in there was too much. They had online ordering but you wouldn’t spend the money because “you shouldn’t spend money you need to save” because you’re not working…but two days ago with your friend you’d spend any amount because “why not!”

But you do it, you finish crying and you get your soda and fries. Your voice cracks when you order and they have to repeat it back, which never happens.

Neither are very good, the coke isn’t bubbly enough and the fries are somehow stale despite there being a continuous line.

Normally, this is where it turns. The magic mix of chemicals and sugar and salt bring me to life.

But they didn’t.

I took turns crying and then being numb for a few more hours, I think.

I forced myself to have another snack. Thank you peanut butter and toast for being the MVP safe food for me. When I was little my mom would draw hearts on it …

…anyways, I was confident I had taken all my meds for the day, I have one I take multiple times per day…and there, looking up at me in the Thursday space were the meds I take every morning to help my anxiety.

You could read this and think “damn, they’re addicted to the meds” but I choose to see it as “thank you for these meds” that calm my brain and help me better listen to my body and it’s needs, and to feel safe and grounded in my own body. A new feeling after 30 years on the planet.

I didn’t meant for this to be a journal entry, but maybe it resonates with someone who is feeling disregulated and can’t find calm.

You will find it. It’s a small patch at first, but it will grow over time. There will still be shady days and overcast weather but you’ll feel better.

[in addition to medication, I also work with therapist and a basket of practices I do to care for myself]