I’ve been starving myself since February, with eating along the way. I don’t know how much weight I lost, but I’m guessing it was less than my “natural” weight, which long before I developed Anorexia, got me questioned for having it.

I’ve started to eat again, and over the weekend, the hunger mania hit me all at once. I happened to be spending time with this gentleman who couldn’t stop pointing it out to me, how I was ravenous. He was a lot like my ex in a disgusting amount of ways, but especially in the, I know you have body image problems, let me point it out to you. Which made me want to eat more and more and more which now makes me want to starve myself again.

I hate having both restricting and binging and I hate that people have to point it out and I hate not knowing their intentions because it seems like those people are the ones with evil intent.

I’ve started to eat again and I’m afraid I’ll stop. I read that gaining and losing rapidly repetitively, destroys the organs. I’m scared I’m going to die.

I’m scared to move. I’m scared to get a job and the physicality of it. How do I not hate myself for sitting on the couch every day binging? I know my uncle wants me to leave, and even though he knows I’m not physically well, he’s made it evident he doesn’t care. I can’t leave unless I get a job and save money. Im exhausted. I can’t even think, if thinking was a job. I try to tell myself to do sex work, quickly gather cash and leave, but I have 0 personality and energy to even sell myself to the first bidder, let alone attract anyone with the majority of my hair missing.

I run myself in circles in my mind every day of what to do next. Instead of coming to conclusions, I eat.

until I don’t.