TW TW TW TW: Meltdown over food intake

I’ve been fighting a full blown relapse for a few weeks now and I finally had a meltdown tonight. Early at dinner I was putting food in my bowl: rice, and teriyaki turkey with broccoli mixed in, and my fiancée asks me “are you sure you’re going to eat all of that?” And I just… I felt bad about how much I had gotten but I shook it off fine enough. After I ate though I felt sooo guilty and I seriously thought about uneating my dinner. Then a few minutes ago we went to the kitchen so she could get food and she grabbed the leftovers and said “this is mine since you ate so much at dinner” and again…I just…it triggered me. I was going to make a small sandwich for myself and I pulled out the cheese and I just lost it. I had a full blown meltdown right there at the fridge with the door open and just sobbed into my hands because WHY AM I LIKE THIS. I HATE the fact that someone just making passing comments about what I’m eating has such an effect on me and I HATE how much this controls my life and my mind and my happiness. Why am I like this…

THIS IS NOT A PLACE TO DUMP ON MY FIANCÉE SHE FELT HORRIBLE WHEN SHE REALIZED HOW WHAT SHE SAID AFFECTED ME THIS IS ABOUT ME NOT HER LEAVE HER OUT OF YOUR FILTHY ASS COMMENTS.