I (20M) always a naturally aggressive and defiant person. At burst I bursted out of my mom's uterus and I was found lodged in her abdomen, when the nurse opened her up she almost passed out. As a child I was aggressive and intelligent, a deadly combination, always bellicose and ready to fight to defend myself and/ or the people I love. But over the years, societies appropriate and frequent abuse from my mother (who was an outright raging and cruel mother at times) and gaslighting/neglect from my father have caused me to lock up my anger and become docile.

I just feel so weak and powerless at times. The ire is swelling up, I even went to therapy for it, it helped a bit but it's just not enough. I always resonated with X Men 3 the last Stand in spite of people hating it because of the main antagonist, Jean. I really do have an alternate personality that I keep locked away and just as Wolverine said "If you Cage The Beast, The Beast Gets Angry". Well that's what is happening. I have to do my damnedest every day to keep it chained, because if I slip for one moment it will come out in, people hear it in my voice when I let it go in the slightest, when I look in my eyes and when I let it go consciously it's... I don't wanna be a monster,

But I feel like this is needed to defend myself. I have to let this out but in a healthy way. When you don't show your ire you feel like a coward but when you fight back, you feel like a monster, and I have a very strong conscience that tortures me to no end. I am mentally locked and I feel that burning sensation in my right temple every day.

I'm sorry, I just had to tell someone. It always feels like I'm a evil or a coward.