Okay so I was thinking about running a chess decathlon between these two IMs. (I know Big Ben is technically a GM but we all know the election was rigged for him to win his GM titles)

Of these events which player do you think would come out on top?

Event 1: running a mile.

The first event is simply a warmup, I promise they get better as they go on but we need our competitors to get the blood flowing and ready for the whole event. To even the playing field IM Findgold only has to run 1/8th a mile because he’s clearly in better shape than Levy Chess.

Projected Winner: Levy Chess (1-0)

Event 2: QVC Shopping Spree

In this event we get to see which player is better at using home shopping channels to buy necessary items. I give this one to IM Finegold because he talks about QVC a lot, more than chess even, so he clearly has used home shopping networks, and you can especially tell by the outfits he wears that he buys them from QVC. Also his stature shows he watches a lot of TV. He’s also 74 years old so when he was born the only way to buy things was home shopping channels. Sorry Levy Chess, your hoodie collection is dope but it’s clear you don’t buy them from QVC, but IM Finegold takes it.

Projected Winner: IM Finegold (1-1)

Event 3: Freestyle Rap Battle

This is the first event without a clear projected winner. I feel like Levy has a better grasp on languages because he can speak Russian too and the only other language Finegold speaks is the technical terms from his diabetes diagnosis.

Here are some sample bars from Levy:

“I’m only 25 but my mind’s old/

I stomp fatass rappers with the last name Finegold/

I sacrifice bishops, queens, all pieces in between/

I’m also not fat, don’t have to dig around to find my peen/“

and some sample bars from IM Finegold:

“Yes Levy, I’m heavy, but my last name isn’t Rozman/

Created image of greatness, Finegold is God’s twin/

I’m a grandmaster, you ain’t, my tummy is a food bank/

Hikaru runs your crew, you say boo hoo when he spanks/ you/ and licks your taint/

Finegold is chess Biggie, sit on you til you faint”

Projected Winner: IM Finegold in a close one (1-2)

Event 4: One Chess960 game

A little break from the tough stuff, and we play one game of Chess960. Levy has an advantage because sometimes in Chess960 you want to play f3 and IM Finesilver refuses to play it.

Projected Winner: Levy Chess (2-2)

Event 5: Girlfriend/Wife Cuteness Contest

Well, even though I’m not the biggest fan of Asian girls, Levy clearly wins this one. She’s a cutie and Finegold’s wife is, to put it mildly, busted AF. She looks sort of like a man with long hair. I’m sure she’s a great and nice person, but this isn’t a nicety event, so Levy wins in a landslide.

Projected Winner: Levy Chess (3-2)

Event 6: Blood Sugar Level

This one is a landslide as well, but in the direction of IM Finegold. He might even be approaching world record numbers here, and even though Levy trained for this event by drinking a 24 pack of Mtn Dew each day for 3 months, he still doesn’t even hit half of IM Findgole’s level.

Projected Winner: IM Finegold (3-3)

Event 7: Finding Every Waldo in a “Where’s Waldo?” book

This one is a tossup, because Levy uses glasses so his vision is not the greatest. However, old people generally have a tough time seeing and finding small things. However, IM Finegold should be used to this from having to find his peep every time has to urinate. That experience lifts him in this competition.

Projected Winner: IM Finegold (3-4)

Event 8: 1 on 1 Basketball

Too bad for Finegold, as he needs one more win to win the whole event, but it’s not this one. Levy might not be the most athletic guy, but compared to IM Finegold Levy is LeBron James. Finegold might be able to bully Levy in the post, but Levy can drive past Ben every time he has the ball. Also, Ben is still winded from running the 1/8th mile before, so Levy cruises to victory here. Levy’s jumping ability also allows him to dunk and he earns the nickname Levitate Rozman.

Projected Winner: Levitate Rozman (4-4)

Event 9: Cosplay Contest

Another close event, Levy chooses something safe, the cosplay equivalent of e4-e5, and chooses Harry Potter. He doesn’t have much work to do, besides make a lightning bolt scar and find a wand. Finegold has a few options, he could choose Kool-aid man, sumo wrestler, Harvey Weinstein, among others, but he ultimately chooses to think outside the box and cosplay as Flubber from the movie “Flubber”. He paints his skin green, and pulls it off beautifully, however, Levy’s doppelgängerness with Harry Potter is impossible to beat, even though IM Finegold and Flubber are also close to twins.

Projected Winner: Levy Chess (5-4)

Event 10: Best of 3, Classical, Rapid, and Bullet chess

This best of 3 match is for all of the marbles, and no Ben, you can’t eat those marbles. We have a classical game, a 15 10 game, and a 1 minute game. Benny Boy has the advantage in classical, since he’s old and requires more time to think. He chooses his 2nd for this game as Tigran Petrosian, and uses the Pipi Gambit that Petrosian famously used against “w”esley “s”o, and ends up winning the classical. In the rapid game, Levy plays the Orthoschnopp Gambit, and ends up winning because IM Finegold is fantasizing about xQcow. In the bullet game Finegold surprises Levy and plays 1. f3, Levy responds with 1. e5, Finegold plays 2. g4, and Levy plays the stunning 2. Qh4(hashtag)!

Projected Winner: Levy Chess (6-4)

This would be an amazing match to see in real time. Do you guys think I got all of the projections correct? Would any results actually be flipped? Let me know what you think the final score would be! Levy has to be the favorite, but maybe IM Finegold could pull off the upset.