TLDR ; I'm not book smart and I am struggling to learn about ideologies and their history. What do?

Sorry for the lack of relevant post/comment history, coming off throw aways. TIA for listening to the frustrated venting if you do. Thanks for being here anyways if you don't.

After a few years of deep depression and dissociation for reasons I wont get into, I have spent the better part of the last year trying to retain and learn DIY political science and history beyond what I was told by some dude incoherently ranting while I huffed whippets in my teenage years. Ive spent the better part of my life (27) involved in politically left spaces (I'm trans) of some flavour despite living in a conservative shit hole. Yet my comprehension of things that feel basic are fucking null. This is by my own observations partly due to having a limited vocabulary, having only been able to graduate high school through way of substance abuse so maybe fried or just fundamentally unintelligent, and also living in an echo chamber of libs who want to tokenize my identity for performative purposes. I'm sure this question has been asked before. Where.. do I start? I have a pretty bad habit of jumping from topic to topic, even in as little time as an hour visiting ten topics, only learning enough to grasp a grain of each concept, not enough to self propell. I have started re-reading (previously 12 years ago, I am not a marxist) the communist manifesto just before the new year with some difficulty amongst similar works of different ideologies. Am I doomed to fight for non existent accessible education? I avoid conversation on these topics with others simply because I don't want to ask them to dumb things down or define words. I avoid pursuing formal education for the same reason. I have spent years in my own little pocket of communities doing what I can to help others and be a cog in whatever capacity I can in the fight for what I see to be just, but I want more.

Open to more appropriate subreddit recommendations if this ain't it, zines, personal experiences, other anarchist resources.