I wound up with explosive diarrhea like 5 days ago. I have missed maybe one miralax, but I don't think so. I have missed maybe 2 days of benefiber but here's the thing - I don't eat a lot, and what I do eat, I make sure it not only has fiber but a bunch of it. So the % has got to be higher than normal people's diets and then I'll still take benefiber. Plus stool softener 2x day.

The first week was fucking great. Waaay less pain than expected. Poops were beautiful, perfect, once they started anyways. But I got constipated I think it was day 7, got paranoid, so I took senna laxative. I think that's what caused the inability to not strain as the nearly pure liquid evacuated violently, 3 times, the day after being constipated. It's just been a yo-yo since then, pure mush to pleasantly solid (but not too hard,) and varying amounts in volume and varying times, as in 1-5 BMs and as in whatever time of day my body decides but never the same time like I hear people say without realizing how lucky they are to have predictable poo's.

And now, today, ugh. I know what's going on at this point and no doctor can tell me different, but maybe they can tell me why. I get poo into a certain point in the canal and it won't come out - not even constipation sometimes, it's like hell if there's literally just a little bit. Honestly, I've had INSANE pain for HOURS only to finally wipe away a piece of poo the size of a pen tip and sudden relief for the rest of the day... But it's such a mess of skin tags and/or hemorrhoids, internal and external, that I can't clean it. Sometimes that tiny little piece of nothing is obviously INSIDE so i can't even - I just have to wait for it to find the exit....

Sometimes it is some constipation, but it's always these stupid pieces of poop that are sizes from a slim pinky to a very thick forefinger size. Somehow it just camps out and drives me into the pain down to my toes, the pain that lasts all day, the pain that's starting to get me straight up fucking suicidal.

If this stupid botox shot doesn't work - I'm guessing it didn't - but I mean the second time, I'll find someone who will give me a god damn LIS and a hemerroidectomy. And if that doesn't work, I'm gong to have to just end my damn life and I'm not fucking even close to joking. I have a child, they need me, but I can't be me living like this. I'll try to make it the remaining 6 years till they're 18, but I've already been like this for 6 years and I've thought many times if I was experiencing this in some historical era where there were no surgeries or treatments, I would've been buried months or years ago. I can last another try at the botox. I can try for the LIS or whatever if it doesn't. And I would prefer a hemerroidectomy despite that recovery over going on like this... but if I do all that and still have this pain, I'm leaving. I would prefer shitting my pants over this pain. I want a colostomy bag over this pain. I fucking hate my life so fucking much and it ALL traces back to my ass. If I could just fucking work a job without worrying about this stupid shit then all the shitty other stressors could be handled.

I've had a fucking fucked up couple of years but this has been by far the worst and most consistent issues throughout. I'd rather have all the horrible things that have happened over the last 3 years happen 3x worse over again if it meant just this one fucking thing could get fucking resolved and just fucking stop already.