Oh boy, baby! We are gonna have sex!

And not just, like, super ordinary stuff. We're not talking missionary position with the lights off for the sole purpose of procreation. We're not even talking doggy style with the lights off for the sole purpose of procreation. As a matter of fact, we might not even be doing it for the purpose of having babies!

Isn't that naughty?

Yeah, we are gonna do some freaky stuff tonight. It's gonna be-- I mean, it's gonna be freaking freaky tonight, babe. All those things you always said you wanted to do, but which we never really had the time for, or maybe I had a headache and wasn't really feeling it, or we had that thing tomorrow morning and probably shouldn't stay up all that late, y'know? And maybe it'd be better to just watch some Netflix and go to bed early. Forget about all that. Tonight, it's going to get wild. It's going to get steamy, baby!

How steamy, you ask? Well, let's just say that I went whole hog on this one. No holds barred. It's gonna be the sexiest night of your life, guaranteed. I'm gonna touch you and kiss you-- kiss you with tongue, even, 'cause it's no holds barred tonight, babe! Gonna French kiss you so bad that you'll be, like, "what did you have for dinner, 'cause it tastes like tuna casserole," and I'll be like, "yeah, it was tuna casserole, we both had it, we both ate the same thing tonight." And you're gonna be all, like, touching me and breathing into my neck while I unhook my bra, which is probably going to take a bit 'cause it's a new one and it has these clasps that I kinda don't know how to work yet, but it's probably better that I do it 'cause you remember that time when you tried and you ripped my bra, and I'd really liked that one, too, and I don't want to risk you doing that again? 'Cause this bra was pretty expensive, babe. Sixty dollars online! All cream-colored and lace. Mmh, yeah. I know you like that!

I'm gonna let you watch me undress, and then I'm gonna turn off the lights, but I'll light a candle on the dresser so we can kinda-sorta see each other, 'cause that's sexy - that's what Cosmo calls ambiance, and it's really hot, baby. Really hot, just like you! And we're gonna kiss and touch each other-- oh, I guess you should get naked too, that's so sexy! And then you're gonna put your you-know-what in my.. er, thing, and it's gonna feel so good! I promise you, baby, tonight is going to be the best night of your life!

And we can try any position you like! Missionary, doggy style, girl on top.. that's the one they call cowgirl, right? Yeah, we can try that one! And-- and, you know, all of them! All the positions. And I bought a nice, big condom for you to wear so we don't have to worry about having kids, and I've placed a little bin next to the bed so you can just, y'know, drop it in there, so you don't have to do that awkward shuffle into the kitchen to throw it out. It's okay. I'll do it tomorrow. Because tonight is all about you, baby!

So what do you say? Let's-- let's frick!