I (8, dog,) am the house supervisor and personal body guard for my Boss. I make sure the cats don't get on the kitchen counters when the boss isn't home, sound a quick, short alarm when the neighbors pull into their driveway and a long loud alarm when visitors arrive at Boss's house, as is befitting my profession. But my main job is to protect against thieves, interlopers, and ne'er-do-wells.

I am paid well for my service, and often receive bonuses for my excellent work, usually in the form of bones, or strips of jerky.

One of these interlopers comes most days, bringing papers for my Boss. I sound my alarm to make sure he knows to not hang about any longer than necessary. Sometimes a pizza arrives being carried by someone suspicious, and I am on watch. But several times a month, a thief comes sneaking up to the Boss's house with a large brown van with the letters UPS on the side, ready to load all the belongings they can steal. UPS stands for "yoUr proPerty i Steal".

The Thief riles me to no end, and I use every alarm at my disposal to intimidate him. I bark, growl and snarl so impressively that Thief leaves a bribe for either my boss or myself and then practically runs back to their van to get away from my intimidation. My boss accepts the bribes and brings them into the house after the thief leaves, because Boss is rightfully frightened of thieves.

Today as I was guarding Boss during walkies, I spotted Thief also doing walkies by himself, with no house manager. He was not wearing his brown Thief's uniform, but his smell and gait was unmistakable. Boss waves to Thief, but I bare my teeth. Boss says to shake hands with Thief.

Usually when Boss introduces me to their associates, I am very professional and shake hands, but I feel Thieves deserve no such courtesy, so I turned and showed Thief my huge testicles instead. Boss said they didn't know what got into me, I am usually so friendly, and later Boss did not give me a bonus, nor did he say I was the Best Boy. Boss is acting like I am the cloaca. Am I?