I (42m) work a very long stressful job at a big tech company and make just shy of a half million a year. My wife (42f) is a piano teacher in the evenings to a few students and *maybe* makes 20k a year. That's fine, I knew when we dated that I'd be supporting her financially as our lifestyle would not work on her salary.

Our house is a wreck. We have two young boys (3 and 5years old) and they make it a wreck a lot of the times. Neither my wife nor I am very good at picking up after ourselves. we've had professional organizers come in and 'reset' rooms in the house which invariably descend back into chaos after a few days. Kids underwear everywhere, food out, dishes out, stuff stuck to the floor, nasty bathrooms etc.

At first I viewed the family/house as an enterprise which takes both money and labor to thrive. I was putting in the cash so she should be putting in SOMETHING, namely some work to make it function and have a safe, clean place to raise our boys. That isn't happening.

So fine. She's stressed and tired from taking care of the kids all day and I come home and I'm mentally exhausted from work. I like to hang out with the kids but I don't have the mental or physical energy to do much other than be present for my children and help them get to bed on nights I get done with work that early.

Therefore noting gets done. I've come to terms that my wife is simply not a 'home maker' in the traditional sense. I should have picked up on that fact when we were dating and her condo was a worse disaster than our house. I don't expect all women to be home makers, but I did sort of expect her to pick up that end of the 'House as an enterprise thing' because I'm bankrolling everything and working incredibly hard to do so. Would it kill her to clean the floors and put away the toys with the kids? But i digress.

Today I tried to suggest that we hire someone to come in and do this work. It might be expensive but its a small price to pay for our kids to live in a safe, clean house. And clearly neither one of us are doing the work.

She flipped out and said she didn't even want to have the conversation. That its my fault for not picking up after myself (I can honestly say that's true to a point but not the entire story and not 100% what is going on here). She keeps wanting to 'put systems in place' but nothing ever comes of it. She's afraid she wont be able to find her stuff which is probably true since most of her stuff is out on the counters and not put away. But it feels like she keeps putting up roadblocks that keep us from actually making progress.

But I'm tired of living and filth and have been blessed with the means to potentially pay for a way to take this stress away from both of us and let her focus on the kids and me focus on work. But she's making me feel like an asshole for even bringing it up. So am i the asshole?