I (30f) have been in a relationship with a wonderful human (29m) for almost 2 years and we’ve known we were going to marry one another since day 5 - probably earlier. In fact, until recently, we jokingly and informally proposed to one another at least once a week.

I am working in a full-time temp role at a law firm right now. My leftover COBRA insurance coverage (from the previous law firm) runs out in April. I have to have 2 surgeries in the next year and will need insurance to cover them. So, a couple weeks ago, my partner looked into adding me to his insurance plan. But it’s marriage-only (no domestic partnerships, no common-law marriages).

He then sort of proposed to me... again, for the sake of insurance/my surgeries. I said yes because I love him and it was a reasonable solution to this crap situation.

However, I wanted to tell EVERYONE... and he wanted NO ONE to know. His reasoning was partially because he’s just a private person and partially so everyone wouldn’t waste their excitement on this engagement and focus all excitement on the eventual post-pandemic engagement and wedding. But he agreed eventually to getting rings and a dress and having a romantic dinner out afterward... because it will make me happy.

Because we will need witnesses on zoom for the city hall wedding (also on zoom), he agreed I could tell my two friends who consider themselves my gay dads. They were elated and confessed they thought we were already explicitly engaged this whole time.

I ended up telling another friend, one who will be at the real wedding but who also lives like 1,500 miles away and doesn’t know any of my other friends... as well as a close friend in nyc with me (and swore her to secrecy - she hasn’t even told her cat, apparently).

I agreed I wouldn’t tell anyone else... and I’ve tried. I really have. But my external locus of identity/my need for external validation and instant gratification has made it extremely difficult. And after at least a week of not telling anyone else, tonight I told my ex-boss-turned-friend tonight via text when she checked in on me for the holidays. I was just so excited. Of course my partner found out easily: I showed him a text from my ex-boss saying she’d be near me over the weekend and we could finally meet her new dog, and he saw the whole text chain... which I was going to tell him about anyway.

He’s furious with me that he’s tried to meet me halfway and I keep pushing him farther over that halfway mark. I agree that it isn’t fair to him since I’d promised to keep his boundaries, but I’m also not sure it’s fair for him to expect me not to share my excitement.

I just want be happy and have others be happy with me. Am I the a$$hole here?