I have to ask this. Do I have a shit personality?

Today, I woke up late and decided I’m tired of studying because I hate how my mom has to police my studying by checking and making sure I regurgitate every single word to her.

So I played games on my laptop almost the entire day because I really wasn’t in the mood to study.

My mom was working today, which is perfect because I have to keep my game playing on my laptop a secret.

Then she comes home. I hid everything to make sure she didn’t notice then I proceeded to cram study.

BTW for context, I graduated from pharmacy school, but have to study for another stupid exam in order to become a licensed pharmacist. I also work part time as a pharmacy assistant to cover for the expensive costs of this exam.

I’m well aware that I struggle with memory. But my disdain for studying in general and my part time as pharmacy assistant (which has been depressing and unrewarding) has made me realize how much I’m reluctant to try to pass the PEBC exam let alone get a pharmacist job.

As I’m cram studying and as my mom is policing me. I’m using my phone to reveal my notes to remind myself of the finer points so as to not mess up a word.

My mom notices and we got into a big fight about my lack of effort and continuing to be a disappointment in her eyes. I was voicing my reasons, but she continues to be stubborn and suggesting her way of conducting studies is the only way to do it (she got her reasons from questionable YouTube videos btw).

As she continues to rant about all that is wrong about me, I reply sharply “I’m sick of your preaching”. She proceeds to get up and leave without saying a word.

As a neurodivergent person that has a generally negative view on life, I wonder if it’s just me that’s the problem all along. I [as my mom points out] was not like this when I was younger. I was [apparently] more diligent and hard working. But now these days I’ve become cynical of the world, more prone to laziness and just naturally feeling bad about life. And I guess it’s infecting how I am trying to prepare for my exam along with deteriorating my relationship with my parents (who I still live with because I’m not independent enough to be able to live on my own due to my neurodivergence and slower maturity development).

So tell right now, am I the asshole?