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Context, we’re from the UK. I am struggling to see why we are the assholes as deemed by my parents and sister. My husband uses Reddit and thought this sub would provide a third insight that we are missing.
My husband (42M) and I (40F) have 2 daughters: Jane (22F) and Lisa (5F). This concerns Jane who has been struggling with the cold.
Jane started to complain about the temperature of the house now it’s no longer summertime. Currently, we leave the central heating off all the time apart from in the early morning (5-7am) so Lisa doesn’t get too cold when she is awake. My husband and I don’t have an issue with the temperature of the house (its approx 16C at night across all of the bedrooms since we checked in case her room was draftier), we don’t really feel it and do not see where Jane is coming from. Jane complains and says she wears multiple layers to bed and around the house while we are all asleep.
So, she asked if she could have access to the thermostat in order to switch the heating on at a higher temperature than 18C (what we set it as). She wants to raise it to 21C but we said no. She keeps complaining about how she has to wear 4 layers to bed so she doesn’t feel cold in the morning. Lisa says it isn’t cold when we ask her, my husband and I also don‘t feel the cold so we said no to her asking and thought that would put an end to it.
It did not. We had dinner at my parents house in which Jane was making comments about how warm and toasty her grandparents’ house is. My parents were shocked that we didn’t allow her access to the thermostat and they tried to sway us into giving her access because it isn’t right for her to sleep in multiple layers. My sister also agreed with them and said my daughter has valid points since the temperature is starting to drop in the night.
Are we wrong here?
Hello everyone and thank you for all your feedback. I did not realise there were so many reasons as to why my daughter potentially could be cold and that layering may not work in those cases. We reached a compromise with our daughter: she can have a small heater for her room with a timer so I am 100% sure it is not left on overnight for my own peace of mind. We are also going to buy her a heavier duvet and thicker mattress topper to prevent cold from underneath the bed. Thank you all.
YTA for being unwilling to make minor changes to ensure all family members are comfortable in the home.
Check tenancy law in your country if you are unsure, but there is a standard temperature that houses must be capable of being heated to for comfort.
Obviously, it's your home, and you prefer cooler temperatures, but 18° is absolutely not appropriate.
22° is the "norm" for most places that get cold, damp, can see snow, etc. 19° is still very chilly for most.
Has Jane always lived with you? Or has she been away to school and come back? It takes our bodies several years to adapt to different levels of cold from place to place.
In addition, if she is someone who has lost substantial weight, she also would be feeling the cold much worse than someone who hasn't because her body lacks the insulation that has kept her warm for years. This can be a difference of only a couple of stone. It's a huge issue in people who go through weight loss surgeries, even in the searing summer heat.
An appropriate setting would be starting around 19.5° at this time of year and if it cools off substantially consider increasing it to 20.5 and so on. Very minor changes can make a difference.
I would also be exploring her bedding, is she using a heavy enough blanket with the right kind of fill to keep herself warm? Wearing nighttime socks? What about flannel sheets?
Your youngest child has lived in this temperature her whole life, so she's accustomed to it. That doesn't mean being a little bit warmer would be a bad thing.
You need to come to a reasonable middle ground here, explain to Jane that no, you can not just raise it to 22° (that's bloody warm if you don't have good airflow), but that you also realize there is a major difference at 16° and its actually considered inappropriate.
Many of us are in that mode of heat or no heat at this time of the year, but she's right, she shouldn't have to be wearing multiple layers to bed.
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