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My wife (35F) and I (35M) have been together for 10 years, married 5. We grew up completely different. She's the only child of a surgeon father. Her mother died when she was 2 and it was her and her father for most of her life. He remarried when she was 17. He's wealthy, sent her to private school, paid for her college, and when we met a decade ago he was still paying her rent, even though she had a solid job. I come from a poor family. But we both have pretty good jobs and make around the same amount of money now.
She is such a daddy's girl and it's been affecting our relationship. Anytime she wants or needs something, she goes to her dad first. And sometimes it's about things I could help with. I work in tech and back when we started dating she was starting grad school and she asked her dad "what laptop should I get" I told her I actually work in the field (which she already knew) and could easily answer that and get her what she needs and she just kind of shrugged. Okay fine. These little things have happened throughout the last decade. But, there have been bigger issues recently. Last year, she decided she needs a new car. I disagreed. Her car is fine and she works from home and barely drives. She was adamant, though. About a month later, she tells me she's getting a new car. I told her we need to make these decisions together and we share finances and this is a major purchase. She says, "oh, my dad is buying it. He said we can just sell mine and get some extra money." I told her it's kind of ridiculous to ask her dad to buy her a brand new car when she has a perfectly good one and we don't need it anyways. She got upset and said it's not that big of a deal and her dad doesn't mind and that the car "wasn't that expensive anyways." She said I'm overreacting and that it's okay for her dad to do nice things for her. She got a brand new 2022 car completely paid for by her dad. And we sold her old one. Now, we are buying a new house. We've finally narrowed it down to two options. We were discussing it last week and my wife says "oh I don't think house A is good my dad said he think we could do a lot better in our budget." Before she talked to her dad, she LOVED House A. So, I got a bit frustrated and said it didn't matter what her dad thought because this is our family's home and he won't be living there. She got angry. We started arguing. We both said mean things. I called her a spoiled brat and said she needed to grow up and she got upset and slept in the guest room and has it's been a few days and we have barely spoken. She said I was "so mean" to her.
UPDATE: wow did not expect this to get so much traction. This was mostly a late night stream of consciousness and I realize I left a lot out, of course. I DID apologize to my wife for the name calling and we both agreed we have some issues to work through. Here's some more info for context and to answer some questions I've seen asked:
We could have afforded the car on our own. We do well for ourselves. I was not worried about not being able to afford it. I just did not understand the rationale of buying a brand new car when you have a perfectly good one. Her old car wasn't even that old. It was a 2019 and had pretty much all of the same features her new one has. It didn't make sense to me. Also, we have a toddler and it's actually harder for her to get him in the new car than the old one. She also barely drives. I mean, seriously, the car sits in the garage 90% of the time. She has even said before that she hates driving. Sure it was free but I guess it's more about the principle than the car itself. But, she got what she wanted so whatever.
We've been together 10 years - has it always been this way? Why did I stay? --- valid points. And something I could dig deeper on. No answer right now other than I just fell in love and didn't want to leave.
Do I have my own daddy issues? No, not really. My dad and I are fine. My parents are still married. We were very poor growing up and my parents were undocumented, and that was a very stressful way to live but my family made it work. I live on the other side of the country now so I don't see them as much but we talk and visit regularly.
My father in law is a nice enough guy and for what it's worth, he also says his daughter is spoiled and has made comments throughout the years about it. Obviously I didn't need to call her a spoiled brat and I recognize the difference in her dad saying it and me but I am not the first person to say it to her. I KNOW THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT RIGHT.
I recognize I have my own issues due to poverty, trauma and all of that. I have been to individual therapy. That is a forever ongoing process.
The house: All of the reasons my wife gave me are just matters of personal preference, like "my dad says we need a bigger kitchen," "my dad says we need a bigger backyard." He is also convinced we will have more children even though we said we so not want anymore so he also said we need "more rooms for more kids." Nothing about safety of the house, the price, etc..just things he personally doesn't like or would have different in his home. Also we've been looking for over a year and he has given his thoughts many many times throughout the year. So, I'm not saying she shouldn't ask him for advice. Also, no, he would not be paying for any of the house.
My wife has never been to any type of counseling in her life. When I suggested grief counseling for her after I started my own she looked at me like I said something ridiculous. Her family is very skeptical about therapy. So, I'm not sure if I will get her to do marriage counseling but we will talk about this further.
Finally, my wife is a funny, creative, and beautiful woman. She's a great mom. She makes everyone laugh. I do love her despite what the post may make some of you believe.
Thanks to those who sent me thoughtful messages. They provided interesting perspectives. ALSO THIS NOT A FULL PICTURE OF EVERYTHING. I'M JUST NOT WILLING TO SPEND ANYMORE TIME WRITING IT. IT'S A LOT.
all details aside, once you start calling your partner names (even minimal stuff like brat) you're in trouble. contempt is considered one of the "Four Horsemen" for relationships ending. hold off on that house, I'd invest in some counseling first
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Good luck with that, you've probably ruined any chance you have of having a reasonable conversation about that by throwing a fit about petty shit and calling her names.