Simple question I know… let me lay the foundation:

I am a mid 30s cis-gender white male. Friend is in their mid 20s and belongs to many different groups/identities (not sure how to describe accurately). They use she/her and they/them pronouns, in an active, intimate relationship with another woman but also open relationship (ethical non monogamy or polyamorous, not quite sure). They are an active ally for many different people and groups.

One of the things I appreciate most about my friend is that they are helping me be a better person. They challenge me and cause me to want to be introspective, especially about my privilege. I have blind spots and biases like everyone but I also want to make sure that I’m seeking to understand and be empathetic versus forcing “my views” or “the culture/society I grew up in/with” on to others.

I’m not perfect and I still don’t see every angle yet and this is where the conundrum arises. What I have asked of this friend is that if they see me acting in ignorance to help me see my biases or shortcomings but to do so privately. I asked this of them after they called me out rather publicly on the subject of gender and sexuality and it made me feel very ashamed (for many reasons). But I felt like we had agreed or understood that it was okay (and healthy) to point out my faults and help me see the other side but to do so in a time and place that was more private.

The other day, we were in a group of peers and I made the comment “it’s a free country” to which my friend replied it’s not a free country. I doubled down on my original statement and they replied with its free to you because you’re a middle aged white man. I got defensive by shutting down and leaving the situation for a few moments.

When she and I revisited the situation she explained that she wasn’t trying to say that I perpetuate or exhibit toxic traits/homophobia/etc but that they thought I was past not acknowledging my privilege. They feeling like they didn’t expose me but rather my reaction and doubling down did. They wanted me to in the moment admit that this country isn’t free for everyone and that I have privilege. Which I understand where I went wrong with my this country is free statement. She also said she was simply stating facts and sorry that (I’m inferring “that” is in reference to the facts) hurt my feelings.

For me, the apology (or lack there of) isn’t about the content of the conflict. We all have blind spots and biases that we need to overcome. It’s our duty as people in search of self improvement to seek out and eliminate those misconceptions/biases from ourselves. The apology and where I am hurt/feeling frustrated is about a friend not honoring an ask I made of them. I had asked that they help me but do so in more a private manner and not (what feels like) a public shaming.

So… am I the asshole for wanting my friend to apologize for not pulling me to the side and helping me see my biases privately vs doing it in a more public format?