I’m not even sure this is the right place for this but here I am.

I’m 25 and my grandma (dad’s mom) has Alzheimer’s. I haven’t visited in a while because quite frankly, I can’t take it. Last I spoke to her (on her birthday) she seemed to remember who I was, but hardly. Last I saw her, she was…a shell.

She took care of me growing up and was vivacious and fun and always wore bright red lipstick and carried a Louis Vuitton. I can’t help but to be desperate to remember her that way. On top of that my mental health is…not great to say the least and every time I see her or talk to her on the phone by myself (we do group calls as a family from time to time) I spiral for days.

My mom recently saw my grandpa and saw how thin he’d gotten due to spending the past several years taking care of my grandpa and decided we’re all going to visit her this weekend. My dad visits every weekend, some months every other weekend. Usually by himself. But this weekend we’re ALL going. And I don’t want to go. I don’t want to even be doing anything else particularly fun, just as long as it prevents me from being there.

My grandma isn’t there anymore. The woman who would pick me up from school in her purple Mercedes and take me to Souplantation and then the library isn’t there. And I’m not that little girl anymore either, but mainly it seems that’s how she remembers me. I almost want her to hold onto THAT part of me and never let it go. She’ll never know who I am NOW.

Has anyone else struggled like this? What do you do?