Last night I plowed through three Moscow Mules because the four-pack was on the clearance shelf at the grocery store. It was stupid for me to buy it at all, but my brain was like "hey, you haven't tried this stuff before, and it's cheap, so it must be a sign!"

Lately I've been getting drunk like this at least once a week or so. I don't want to, because it doesn't even feel that good, and it's a poor replacement for something else I'm trying to quit. But booze is everywhere. It's at my family's house. It's at the store. It's at the wedding of a family member. And if I drink enough, I don't feel sad or lonely. I feel lonely a lot.

I see a therapist. I have some friends, but not close by. My family lives near me. But I can't stop. And when I do hold off on booze, I get sad. I know I should be implementing CBT techniques to stop myself, or call a friend, or some other easy answer. But I know I won't. I'm terrible at asking for help, and I'm too used to people ignoring me. I don't like talking to my friends because I only have sad things to say. I live in the middle of nowhere, and I have challenges with new people. I've given up on dating, and the loneliness is killing me. Sometimes I welcome cancer or something from drinking or smoking too much, because why be disappointed I'm yourself when you can just be dead?

So yeah, kind of hard to stop drinking when life doesn't feel worth it either way.

No I'm not religious, in case anyone asks. If you find solace in religion then that's great, but I'm incapable.