Sad. Lonely. Empty. Tired. Lost. Isolated. Non-existent. Anxious. Depressed. And the list goes on. I’m drinking myself to sleep, so excuse the thought and the sequencing of this thing I typed.

Wow. I can't believe that I'm actually at my lowest point, mentally and emotionally. To think that I've endured so much on two different periods since the pandemic began (start of the pandemic, and when I figured in an accident/lost my job of sorts). Now, I feel more anxious and depressed than ever. Getting professional help has crossed my mind for the first time. I have zero motivation, inspiration, essense and purpose to live, like I wake up and work for the sake of it. I’ve been having a lot of breakdowns. I've been reaching out to friends and people I've been close with just to check on them, maybe play WNRS with them, have a chit chat because I can only feel isolated for so long. I always thought I could carry baggages on my own, even if it's not mine to bear, but I've fallen to my knees, figuratively. I've even resorted into crowdsourcing from r4r just for the company that I need every night after work.

Also, for the first time, I've been experiencing this eating disorder na I can get through an entire day with only eating three tablespoons of rice and the food on the table for lunch, and besides water, that's basically it, which I could surely attribute to the anxiety that's been in my system. I wish I could proudly say that I’m losing weight and looking better physique-wise, but surely this ain’t the way to go.

There's lots to it. I had two weeks of nonstop work late July/early August (na compensated naman with cash, but rest is just as valuable now), and to this point, work's been a bummer. I recently open myself and my heart to someone for the first time in six years thinking that she could be the one, but things are looking bleak. I don't have that much people to talk to because they're unavailable by the time I am, or even if I spend time and effort and energy for the people I love (and believe me, even if I'm in the middle of work, I still make time), oftentimes it's left unreciprocated. Like, of course I'm not one who expects anything in return, but hey, I can only be selfless for so long, so I tend to be a bit selfish in terms of hoping and praying that I get something good in return. I hate how this is one of the few times that I need someone, yet it's the time I'm getting close to nothing from the people that I care for. It’s a no for the universe, I guess.

If it all came to an end today, it's not going to be the virus that does the trick. It'll most certainly be anxiety and depression... and I hope it's none of those I mentioned.