I'm bisexual gaya ng makikita nyo sa profile ko. I am romantically attracted to women and sexually attracted to men. Pero this story happened two years ago. I started working as a teacher sa isang private high school sa NCR.

Dream job ko magturo, and tbh I was just there to do the job and to do it well. After all, my students look up to me, and ako naman itong may savior complex na gustong magkaroon ng impact sa mundo. Until dumating si Maddison (not her real name). Co-teacher ko siya. Panghapon siya, pang-umaga ako. Pero since 8 hours ang pasok namin, nagkakatagpo ang sched namin for 6 hours.

Napansin ko na rin siya, since may hitsura si Maddison. But I'm not one to focus much on looks since I crave connection. And bobo ako pumick-up ng hints. One time, I was printing original copies of exams sa library since nandoon ang printer. During her vacant, she went there too para mag-print din. We talked about our students, she gave me tips about how to handle them since bago lang ako no'n, and things about life. Our conversation was nothing out of the ordinary, at least if you look at it as two employees inside an org. But I didn't notice I was already falling. As an introvert, there's nothing more attractive to me than a person who approaches me first, carries the conversation well, and looks so interested in me and what I have to say. Hindi ako napagod na makipag-usap sa kaniya; to the contrary actually, I felt refreshed to have talked to her.

Then August came. May program ang school every August 30 para sa Buwan ng Wika where every faculty member would wear traditional Filipino clothing for a whole day. Syempre may picture taking. Nagulat ako kasi nagpa-picture siya sa akin nang kaming dalawa lang. I didn't make it anything serious, so pinahiram ko yung phone ko as camera. Later that day, I sent her those pics, at doon na nag-start yung conversation namin. I quickly realized na gusto ko siya because of those convos.

Nagstart na rin siya magparamdam sa akin. Kinukuwento niya sa mga estudyante niya kung sino ako (since di nila ako kilala dahil sa morning session ako nagtuturo). Kinakantiyawan na rin kami sa loob ng faculty room, lalo na kapag may group chika at biglang natatahimik ang lahat kapag nag-joke ako nang corny at si Maddison lang ang tumatawa. For her birthday, dinalhan siya ng students niya ng cake and flowers. Favorite niya rin yung Dunkin Donuts na choco butternut, so yun ang dinala sa kaniya ng mga estudyante niya. Naghintay ako hanggang matapos yung shift ko bago ko ibigay yung sa akin para siyempre hindi ako ma-awkward hahaha, wala eh torpe ako. The usual na kantiyawan sa faculty room, na akala mo mga estudyante rin ang nandoon. We were like highschool sweethearts. And damn it, I thought we had a chance.

Until one day I noticed na parang natitipid na ang replies niya sa akin, at natatagalan na rin siyang mag-reply. As a rational person, I thought na baka busy lang sa school works, or baka may ibang ginagawa na family-related. Pero as paranoia eats away at me, siyempre laman ng isip ko na paano kung hindi na siya interested in me. I started asking myself kung kulang pa ba yung ginawa kong sweet replies, or yung gifts? Or baka dahil hindi kami masyadong nakakapag-usap in person? I actually believed it was because of me.

Until one day I browsed Twitter, and on my feed I saw one of her tweets: two photos of her and another man, the face covered with an emoji. The caption? I forgot the exact words, but it implied that this man was her boyfriend. And it hit me; kaya pala hindi na kami okay sa chat. And then I wondered, bakit gano'n kabilis? What was happening the entire time? Was it my fault? I'm not one to take things personally, but this one was a very hard pass.

I went to school the next morning. They told me there was a visible change in my composure. Of course, na-shock ako eh. But I tried to shrug it off. Until I stood up from my office chair and walked out of the faculty room papunta sa susunod kong klase. As I stepped towards the door, nagkasalubong kami ni Maddison sa mismong pinto. And damn it, she couldn't even look me in the eye. I let out a soft "Uy hahaha", and received nothing in return. She just stepped back so I could step out.

For the next three days, she didn't talk to me. Sa fourth day, things unfolded like I've never seen things unfold before. One of my friends sa faculty went up to me with a hot chika from one of her students. She told me na five days ago, on the day na nag-tweet siya nung pics, Maddison was out with to drink with her students (who were highschool students and minors mind you), with her supposed boyfriend, and they made out in front of those students. And I said, "'Tang ina, baliw na ba siya? Why would she do something like that? Her license could be revoked diba? This is scandalous."

"Sa'n mo naman napulot itong chikang 'to?" I asked my friend.

"Directly mula doon sa isang student ko na nandoon din that time," she answered. "Kalat na nga sa buong grade level nila na may gano'n eh. Hindi lang nakakarating sa atin kasi walang nagkukuwento. Buti natsismis sa akin nitong isa kong estudyante."

I shrugged it off. Sabi ko na lang sa sarili ko matanda na siya, she should know what she's doing.

The next morning, na-assign ako na mag-rounds sa campus to ensure peace and those kinds of shit. One of the rules was no non-essential use of phones inside the campus. So I did the rounds, and one of my grade 10 students was using his phone nang patago. So being the quirky, funny, and cool teacher that I am, ginulat ko siya. I do this a lot mostly just to scare them into hiding their phones. But this time, Idk why pero I asked him to give me his phone. He looked visibly worried. I asked kung bakit, and the only answer I got was "sir di ko po puwedeng sabihin, pero wag nyo na pong kunin sir. Mahalaga po kasi 'to eh." I looked to his friends to non-verbally asked for clarifications, but to no avail. So I told him, "Okay sige pero itago mo nang mabuti baka makita iyan ng admin, hindi mo na makukuha iyan ulit."

I went back upstairs to the faculty room after my rounds, and the teachers were gathered around. Siyempre naintriga ako kung ano'ng meron, akala ko may bagong announcements na naman. Pagpasok ko sa room, they all stopped talking.

"Bakit, ano meron?" sabi ko, akala ko kasi ako yung pinag-uusapan nila.

"Tara dito sis, may chika kami sa iyo," sabi nung friend kong co-teacher ko. "Kilala mo ba yung estudyante mo na si ****************?"

"Oo, bakit?" sabi ko.

"Alam mo ba na siya pala yung jowa ni Maddison?"

FUCK! I was so shocked. Things started falling into place. That was the reason why she tweeted a censored pic of her boyfriend. That was why my student was so adamant about keeping his phone. It was also why those students in that drinking party didn't know who her boyfriend was. It was because her boyfriend was my student!

I didn't bother to know the whys or the hows of their relationship. Basta the next thing I know, all of her crap started unloading. She was problematic not just as a teacher but as a person. You'd think na I dodged a big bullet since she was a walking red flag. But I was hurt. I was equally in pain to know that she was playing me and that she was a pedo. My savior complex was triggered, thinking that I could have done something to help that student of mine, and my heart was broken to think na pampalipas-oras niya lang ako habang ako naman nag-i-invest ng oras at feelings sa kaniya.

It still stings a little when I remember it, even now that I am writing this. But I appreciate it more now that I pre-emptively escaped a would-have-been toxic relationship.

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PS. Sorry for the long read hahaha I have been wanting to take this off my chest for a long time.