This is part of a series of posts because this experience has been such a fucking emotional rollercoaster that I can't tell it in just one post.

Part 1 on Alas Feels

NSFW Part 2 on Alas Juicy

We promised not to tell anyone about this. You have a girlfriend, we were in the same circle, I know your family and get along really well with them; just a whole laundry list of why no one can ever know. We said we'd never bring it up again. This was just a hook-up. We were both super fucking tigang and drunk and just needed to blow off some steam. There was nothing more to this. We told each other we'd be adults about this; that we wouldn't be awkward. We could do this. We're friends. We're mature. We're cool. Friends make mistakes and hook up sometimes.

​

We were not cool. It had gotten so bad that people started asking me if we were fighting. I tried to go back to how it was, but you weren't engaging like before. You didn't tease me anymore. You didn't want to be alone with me anymore. You didn't bring me home anymore. That's fair. It fucking sucks, but that's fair. What we did was wrong, and this is the consequence of me choosing your dick over our friendship. God, did it fucking hurt though. I felt like I betrayed your trust in me to choose our standing relationship in favor of getting laid. I mean, I did do that, but still. It fucking hurt. All those times you said that I was the only person you could talk to about your highest aspirations, darkest thoughts, and deepest secrets I had thrown away just for a night of being with you. I know how fucking picky you are with people, how agonizingly slow it is for you to trust, and still all I wanted was to have you in that one moment. Everything we'd built in months, gone. I hated myself for doing that to you. And every chance you got, you apologized to me as if you were the only one involved. I hated what it turned us into. I couldn't help myself and asked you if you regret what we did, you told me no, and asked me if I did. I said I didn't either, but deep down, I'm not so sure. I don't know if giving up our friendship was worth this. Then, the night before your departure had finally arrived.

​

You were leaving the country the next day to be with your girlfriend. For good. Sorta. For a few years at least. You had come to work to say goodbye to everyone. Our goodbye was stiff and awkward. I was waiting for you to give me shit about not victimizing too many guys while you were away, or not get too drunk without you. But you didn't. You gave me a one-armed hug, and told me to take care. That was it I guess. You take care too.

I saw your name light up my phone screen. It was 1:13am. I thought you had misdialed, but I decided to pick up anyway.

"Hey? P? Um hey man, what's up?"

"Oh hey, as you know I'm leaving tomorrow, well later, so like I just wanted to call the people I'm close to as like a goodbye, like a last goodbye."

"Aaaww, P. I really appreciate you calling man. I actually can't believe you actually called me. Ahahaha. I'm really happy for you. You're pursuing your dreams, and you can finally be with your girlfriend."

"No yeah, I know. I'm excited too."

"I'm sure."

"But yeah, I just wanted to uh... I just wanted to uh, apologize again, you know, for the uh, for what happened between us? Yeah. Again, I'm really sorry about that."

"No. Ok. Just stop. Please just stop apologizing. Ever since that happened between us, all you've done is apologize to me whenever that gets brought up. But I chose that too you know? I wanted it too. You never forced me to do anything."

"I know. I know. I just... I feel really terrible about what happened, and I wanted to say sorry again."

"You don't have anything to apologize for so please stop. I did this too. I'm sorry too. I should've stopped you then, but I didn't. This is on me too. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

"Yeah. It's ok. It's fine. We both chose it yeah. I'd really appreciate it if this was the last time we ever talked about it. We don't have to make it an issue. And don't tell anyone ok? I really love my girlfriend. I wanna marry this girl, and I don't want this to come between us."

"Yeah, no, of course, of course. I don't want this to be an issue too. I'm gonna be the fuckin bad guy here haha. I won't tell anyone."

"That's good. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you for understanding."

"Can I just-- Ok um, more than just apologizing, which is what we keep doing now, I want to thank you too. For everything you've done for me. For always being there for me in this new environment. I honestly can't believe how close we'd gotten, and I want you to know that your friendship is a big reason why I survived here. So thank you. In spite of everything, thank you. I'll always be grateful for your friendship."

"Nah man, ano ka ba. Don't worry. Really glad to have you here and to get to know you better. We're all lucky to have you."

"Haha thanks."

...

"What time is your flight ba? You said it's at like 8am diba?"

"Yeah. Yeah it is. Just wanted to say goodbye you know."

"Yeah. Yeah. Gets. You should rest na man. That's a long fucking flight ahead of you."

"Yeah. You're right. Well, yeah good night. Goodbye throwxthrow. You take care ok? Just message me if you need anything, or if you need to rant about our friends hahaha."

"Hahaha. You can be fuckin sure I will. Good night P. Take care over there. Bye."