November, 2015

X,

Plese forgive me if i had to write to you. Last night, sleep escaped me. It stayed me awake. I dont wanna cry for tears are sign of weakness and i dont wanna be weak.

You're maybe wondering how easy I let you go. To be honest, it wasn’t easy at all. That very time, I wanted to die. I wanted my heart to stop beating. I wanted to be bumped by a car and die a swift, sudden death. When I crossed the bridge on my way home, I wondered if I should jump. I am not afraid of dying, I am afraid of feeling the pain. Last night, i badly wanted to move on, Thanking God, that he might have other plans for me. But it seems that he wanted for me to feel this pain and learn from this.

Before I met you, I never believed in love. I didn’t know that I am capable of loving someone and be loved. The first time I met you, I am sure you are not my type, you can be just one of my guy friends. I didn’t notice you instantly, I was constantly flirting with other guys. But, the more I knew you, the more I become drawn to you. At first, I didn’t entertain the thoughts in my head that maybe you are the one for me, I kept on denying how much I like you. But you were so charming, so polite and so gentleman-y. I realized this more when we went out with friends, by that time another guy was being paired to me. Ni try kong magustuhan sya, pero iba na talaga ang nasa utak ko. You made me fall in love with you more nung  inalalayan mo ko hanggang pag uwi, you sat beside me and made me sleep in your arm. Hinatid mo pa ako. I never felt being that cared for before. Never had a guy took care of me and didn’t made moves of advances towards me, And from them on, I loved you secretly.

Sanay naman ako sa one sided love, kaya hanggang kaya ko pang I deny at itago na mahal kita, gagawin ko, dahil never akong umamin ng feelings dahil sa takot sa rejection. Days and months passed na we became friends and I just loved you from the background. I don’t want to risk our friendship by telling you how much I love you.

February 29, 2012. Where it all began. I wanted you to know me more and I even shared my situation that very few knows. That I never had a boyfriend and all that goes with it. I wanted you to know that para mawala sa isip mo na mahilig akong lumande sa lalaki at marami na kong experience. I wanted you to see me as a pure and innocent girl that you want to take care of. On our ride home, I thought it was effective, because you treated me differently from then on. With more respect, I really loved you simula nun. And nung nawala sa picture si closefriend natin, na lagi tayong tatlo ang magkasama, I made myself pick courage and let you know how I felt for you. Everytime na pauwi tayo, how I wanted to hold your hands and lay my head on your shoulders. How I felt so safe and secure when you are near me. I let down my guard and wanted you to feel that you are welcome to know me better. There are times na naglilibrehan tayo ng dinner at sinasabi nating investment natin yun sa isa't isa. It was my silent words of saying how much I love you and I want to be with you.

I want to thank you for different kinds of love you taught me:

• Unconditional Love - na I accepted all your flaws and still love you the same and nothing you will do will make me love you less.

• Selfish Love - na I want you all for me, for my own satisfaction only. I love you and I loved the idea that maybe you are my dream come true a wish I made when I was a little girl, that I will be loving only one man. My first and last. A selfish love that I gave my all to you and none  left for myself.

• Selfless Love- na kahit gaano ako ka selfish , basta para sayo gagawin ko. Kahit gaano ako masaktan, I will let you go. I love you so much that I want you to be happy even if it is not with me.

You made me humble. Alam mo naman kung gaano ako kayabang and proud of myself, always finding fault sa ibang tao rather accept my wrong doings. Pero when I met you I admitted things I don’t do. Nakakatuwang example nun nung may nakielam ng pc mo at may nilagay sa Office Communicator status mo, ako ang suspect mo non, kasi ako yung nagpalit ng pink background nun sa pc mo. Pero hanggang ngayon, unsolved mystery kung sino ba nagpalit ng status mo. I admitted nalang na ako ang gumawa nun and apologizes to you with a cake from SB para lang di ka magalit saken. You made me say sorry for all the wrong doings na ginawa ko and sa mga shortcomings ko. Sometimes over na, Dahil nag sosorry ako kahit di ko naman fault wag lang tayo di magpansinan ng matagal.

You made me brave and do things because I loved them and never regret doing them. Matapang na ako noong una palang, pero being brave to do things I might regret, I never had the courage to do so, because I hate to disappoint people around me and I hate to disappoint myself. You made me brave by telling you how much I love you regardless if you will love me back.

You made me dream, I wasn’t planning on any future before I met you, I was just sailing through the day, without destination, without purpose. When I met you, you made me want to live longer you made me dream of a life with you and a family together. I even want to stop working and dedicate my life to you. You made me dream of a life together, making love everyday, taking care of you and our future children. To take care and be part of your family. You made me live life again and be excited about the future.

Thank you for all those things you taught me and made me believe in, But the most important thing you taught me is to believe in God again, Just in time when I thought he abandoned me and don’t want anything to do with me. I thanked him for bringing you in to my life. I thank him for what a blessing you are to me. And I thank him everyday for making you cross my life. Thanking him for wanting me to be a better person. Thank you for all those things you’ve done for me.

I know, sinabi mo na you tried to really love me. Pero I want to think na minsan na minahal mo din ako. Sana wag mo ipagkait sa ibang tao na minsan inisip mo na baka pwede na ako nalang. Sana minsan, minahal mo din talaga ako. Na sa tuwing maalalala ko yung mga yakap at halik mo, iisipin ko na may halong pagmamahal yon. Na everytime we make love, hindi dahil sa lust pero dahil mahal mo  talaga ako nung panahong iyon.

Gusto kitang maalala bilang lalaking una kong minahal at pinaglaban sa lahat ng taong nagsasabi na ang tanga ko. Gusto kita maalala bilang tao na ginawa akong mas mabuting version ng dating ako.

Sobrang mahal kita at wala akong reason para magalit sayo, I thank you for being honest and brave enough to finish us off. Thank  you dahil ikaw na ang gumawa, dahil alam mong hinding hindi kita papakawalan.

I hope you’ll remember me fondly as the woman who loved you so much. Remember only the fun times we had, a reminder that anybody can love you so much if you fail to love yourself. That anybody can look past your imperfection and your past troubles only to love you so much. A reminder that you are worth it.

I wish you joy and happiness. Pursue this woman and love her with all of your heart and soul. Give nothing less and accept no more than. Make her part of your life and family. Hold her as if you will never let her go. Thank her for coming to your life and make her the happiest woman ever. Please be happy and so ill be happy too. Make wonderful memories with her and never let a day pass without saying how much you love her. You are always in my prayers and I wish you a wonderful life ahead. For one last time, I love you and thank you. Good bye.

-A