i (m21) met someone just feb this year, she (f21) lives in pangasinan and i live in manila, we're 6 hours away from each other. we started out as fwb but we never got to see each other in person, any plans we made earlier this year did not push through because we were either very busy students or some family plans got in the way.

we gradually grew past the fwb setup, and had a situationship, if one could ever call it that. wala kaming label, but we were so interested in each other enough to sustain our internet affair. even before that, nung fwb pa lang kami, our relationship was not limited to sexual transactions; she was my constant and i was hers, we very much enjoyed each other's company and the comfort it provided, and i always offered my care for her whenever she was down. but we both knew na walang future tong relationship na to bc we live in almost different ends of luzon.

at some point early on, she expressed her desire to be pursued by anyone. it was at this point i also thought of pursuing her para maging seryoso kami, because i knew deep down i wanted to keep her in my life and stay by her side for a long time. but i was also afraid to give her my word, because i also knew that pursuing her would also demand a lot from me: time, money, etc. at the end of the day, i am only a student also trying to pursue his dreams.

i guess it was around april-may when our situationship got rocky, personal problems got in the way, she had to do her internship, and at the same time it was almost my finals. at that point i didn't know what came to me but it was that time that i promised i would eventually pursue her. but i was aware that it was unfair to keep her waiting. our relationship never healed from that. from then on there, naging on and off na lang kami until july. it was draining, and we had our fair share of misgivings in the relationship, but my feelings for her would persist over the months.

last saturday i messaged her asking for closure after weeks of not talking to each other. i said i wanted to move on, but i was wrong to say that because that was not my heart wanted. we finished talking thinking i was satisfied, but i was severely wrong. on tuesday we talked again over a phone call. this time, the truth of the situation sank into me.

she was tired with what we had, at gets ko naman kung san siya nanggagaling, like i was expecting her to say that. but what i didn't realize was she was being genuine that she would give me a chance at loving her if i only pursued her. all this time i thought she didn't want to give me a chance, until this. now, we've arrived at a dead end. i wasn't able to pursue her without making her wait for some time, and she was tired of waiting and staying. she wanted me to stop. for good.

but it's not like i didn't try to take some steps; i did try, i tried looking for a job to solve the money problem just so i could go to pangasinan regularly. but it's hard enough to look for a job when you're a graduate, what more kung student ka pa? i never heard back from the BPO companies i applied at. i was also heavily contemplating how i was going to balance my studies, 2 school orgs when i'm finally working. and i told her this, that i tried, but she answered na kung hindi ko siya kayang ipursue, wag na lang.

truth be told i hate how love and our relationships have become tied to capitalism that it is almost controlled by it. lol heartbreaks always got me theorizing over here. but on a serious note, most of the money i get i just spend on my acads, and it always barely leaves me nothing for myself bc my course is financially demanding. and i hate this. i fucking hate that we had to deal with the circumstances that we did.

naalala ko yung third world romance ni dwein baltazar, and i like that film but i had just always found it a tad unrealistic. no healthy relationship would thrive if you're constantly thrown at with third world problems, because the fucking system's the problem, not you. and now i have proved that to be true.

i don't know if she would be able to read this because i don't think she uses reddit anymore. and i've always found it fun to think about alternate universes. if they were true, then we would be the most unfortunate, the most tragic versions of ourselves ever. not the version where we never met, because never meeting you would have been so much easier than losing you now.

to that person, my constant, i will always have love for you, and you will always have a home in my heart.