I’ve been separated from my ex (Q) for 8 months, but before that we lived together for a year, during which time she became a severe alcoholic. I haven’t talked to anyone about it or really stopped to process everything I went through. I was just happy to have it behind me, so I stopped thinking about it, shoved it under the rug.

But wow, I can barely read the posts on here...the memories come rushing back. The incessant lying. Hidden bottles. Severe anxiety any time we went out with friends. Finding her so passed out on the floor, the couch, the toilet, that I had to check if she was still breathing. Waking up to get ready for work and being unable to shower because she passed out in the bathtub. Finding out she got so drunk that she pissed the bed, multiple times. Her coming into my office drunk at 11 AM, never having gone to sleep, to harass me while I was trying to work from home during the pandemic. Waking me up in the middle of the night, shouting at me for things she wouldn’t even remember in the morning. Panic attacks, vomiting, disassociation, blackout drunk every night, suicidal if she couldn’t drink and suicidal when she was so drunk she could pass out midsentence, spilled drinks sticky on the floor, stained couches, broken glasses and plates.

Me always, always being the one cleaning up her mess because I couldn’t stand to live like that, but she could. Counting the number of empty cans by the couch every morning. Hyperfocusing on the clinking glasses in the next room, aware of each shot. Initially trying to be a supportive partner...then slightly more firm...then blunt...then detached, emotionally numb, depressed, exhausted, watching the girl I fell in love with drown herself in wine and vodka. Seeing her transform into a toxic liar who would give up anything to ensure she didn’t have to give up alcohol.

I feel like there’s more but it’s emotionally exhausting to even think about.

If you’re going through this now, I’m so sorry. You’re not alone.