Hi there. I am 22F and my father has been an alcoholic, a heavy 24/7 drinker, since before I was born. My mother was as well, and they are both still active.

If you looked up daddy's girl in the dictionary, there would have been a picture of me and my dad. I idolized him as a child, he was a sweet, thoughtful, and unique man. My mother was extremely abusive, but he never laid a hand on me - he was the only source of love in my childhood. As a child, I thought that all adults drank 24/7 because my parents had surrounded themselves with other alcoholics. As I got older, their alcoholism progressed. My mother moved onto heavier drugs and my father got deeper into the bottle, sometimes drinking 2 handles of vodka per day. They had a messy divorce when I was 15, and I moved out. Throughout my teenage years I sent them both in and out of detox several times each. My dad truly loved my mom despite her abuse, and looking back I think that's what killed him. Within months of mom stealing all our money and walking out, he lost the house that he loved so much, his mother died, and his father committed suicide. His drinking reached a whole new level, but I was living elsewhere and busy with school and kept it out of sight, out of mind. I met a man from Canada and eventually moved internationally to be with him.

Last July 2015, my dad's girlfriend called me saying she thought he was dying and I should come see him one last time. At 58 he would not leave bed or eat for days, had been wearing diapers for years, fell constantly due to drinking, etc. I gathered up my martyr complex and flew to Florida where I suffered through the most insane two months of my life. I thought I could fix him.. He had alcohol withdrawal seizures,was kicked out of his girlfriend's house, lived in a hotel, made it to 18 days sober before relapsing. I was taking him to AA, paying his bills and cleaning out his storage unit. He had 14 days sober when I left on the flight home but I knew in my heart he would relapse. By the time I landed and called him from Canada, he was trashed already. I felt my heart break in two.

Upon my return I quickly found an Al-Anon meeting I attended twice a week and took the program to heart. I eagerly began the steps and it seemed to be helping immensely. I slowly learned how to set boundaries and detach with help from my fellowship and my loving husband. The distance didn't hurt. I knew he was actively drinking and living alone and was terrified of what would happen, but managed to focus on progressing in my own life instead of trying to control something I had no power over.

On May 17th last month he flipped his truck into a canal. He was saved from the submerged truck and taken to the hospital, where he was cleared of major injuries. However, bloodwork showed high levels of alcohol and he was promptly arrested for DUI. My family was hurting but hopeful that this could be a new chance for him. We decided to not bail him out, to let him receive the full consequences of his actions. On his third day in jail, he had an alcoholic withdrawal seizure in the shower, fell and blasted his head open. It was a traumatic brain injury which left him in the ICU unresponsive for six days. During which time we had no idea or contact from the jail/hospital until a nurse had to call me for consent for an MRI. He Regained consciousness and was on a feeding tube but extremely disoriented. The MRI showed brain damage but they could not tell me how extensive.

It's been a nightmare dealing with the jail, hospital, county clerk's, public defenders etc. They all feign ignorance on his condition and refuse to speak with us. I have been having anxiety attacks constantly. For his first court hearing, the court video called him from the jail. He was in a wheelchair and incoherent, started crying and could not speak to enter a plea. He was taken back to the jail.

All I wanted this whole time was to hear his voice, to know he was okay. He finally managed to call me last night from jail with the help of another inmate. He sounded like a stroke victim, speech slurred 10x worse than his worst drunk. He is fully delirious and thinks he is in Nicaragua, says he will be coming back to the States soon, he doesn't understand anything that's happening to him. He ended the call by telling me he had to drive to the store... That's the last thing he told me before the DUI. The brain damage sounds much more severe than I was led to believe. His trial is set for July 1st and he has been denied legal help. He is destitute and will be homeless when released unless we step in and pay his rent. But he lives alone on a second story apartment and cannot continue living there. He has nowhere else to go and noone who can help him medically. He cannot come to Canada for 5 years at least because of the DUI and I am restricted on how much time I can spend out of Canada and still retain the PR I worked for 3 years to get.

I am so afraid of what will happen to him. The authorities will not release the accident report, medical records, or let me sign an attorney on his behalf. I don't think he qualifies for SSDI or Medicaid because he is under 65 and hasn't worked for 9 years while he depleted his savings. Noone in my family can afford long term care for him, especially the caliber that he will be needing. Every institution and agency I turn to says there is nothing they can do. He slips through all the cracks.

I feel beaten, lost, and hopeless. I have lost faith in my program and my higher power. I am still attending meetings but they don't have the same magic they used to. I am consumed with fears and frustrations and have no idea what to do. I have disconnected from my husband and have trouble formulating my feelings. I'm in a constant state of indescribable emotional agony, and have panic attacks almost daily. He was such a kind-hearted man his entire life, it seems so cruel that it has come to this. I have nowhere left to turn to, I'm at the end of my rope and holding the scissors.

I don't know why I'm posting this other than that I needed to let it out of me in some way. I am so tired of being "the strong one" in the family, the one everyone turns to in crisis like this. There is nothing I can do and I don't have much left to give. I am full of anger at the disease that is alcoholism, I know my family is far from the first to be affected, and will not be the last. The amount of effect that my parents' alcoholism had on my childhood was never clear to me until the past few months. I just feel so broken and alone. It's hard to come to terms with all the abuse I suffered as a child, I have been doing inner child therapy which was helping before.. I am struggling to come to terms with how the boundary between support and enabling will be so different now. My father used to be so vibrant and loving, now he is only a shell of his disease. I only wish that his suffering would end.