I just wanted to get this off my chest to people who understand. It's already taken my dad, I lost a partner to it, and now over the last five years I've been watching my 28 year-old sister go under as well. This weekend I brought it up ever so gently to her, in a moment that was filled with love and compassion. In one second, her eyes blackened, her whole face shifted into this disturbing and psychotic-adjacent smirk, and the rage came out. I felt so hurt by her I wanted to throw up. She ended up locking me out of our parents' house (where she lives and where I was visiting). Screaming, trying to slap me, just everything.

The effort it took to not react was painful and so hard. I did all the stuff. Exercised, read a little bit, wrote in my diary, called my partner and a friend to have a little cry, set new boundaries with her, and booked an extra appointment with my therapist.

But I just miss when we were best friends - I guess that was a little over ten years ago now. Wrenching myself from the past, from an idea of who someone was or is deep down, has such a bitter taste to it. I miss her so much. I feel so sorry that she is suffering. I wish I could remove all of her sadness. But the best thing to do is just the boundaries and the looking out for myself. I've been here before and I know how to do it, I just hate watching someone else get sunk from it.

I am terrified she will end up like our father, lonely and depressed and down and out from all the booze. In a filthy apartment with no will to live or get any goods out of life.

How could two siblings have gone in such different directions? More than anything I wish I could make her feel like I am there for her, like my door is open, like I am ready and willing and wanting to have intimate conversations with her about her pain and suffering. But she won't budge. She is rotten to the bone with anger, denial, and anxiety. But mostly it's the anger. She is just a black cloud of misery and rage. I can't even see into her eyes anymore. It devastates me beyond words or comprehension.

Thanks for listening.