Hi all! Im having a very difficult time and I am (unfairly) beating myself up because I don’t know how to navigate a lot of these waters.

I am having a very difficult time with forgiveness and atonement. I am an adult child of an alcoholic mother, and have experienced substantial abuse in the past 6 years she has been binge drinking and became an alcoholic. Mind you she was also my BEST FRIEND before drinking.

Over the years there’s been so much that has happened — DWIs, Spending all her savings, and abusing everyone in my family. After her last relapse when visiting from out of state, she kicked me out of the house on the street, 1300 miles from my home, for merely maintaining a relationship with my brother who does not get along with her.

But I digress — the past week she has “said” she’s stopped drinking after I drew the hard line of not being in her life for extensive periods of time when she goes on her binges. She apologized for her behavior when she was drunk (which is really a formality at this point since it happens so often) even though she doesn’t really remember it, and then says all the things I WANT to hear.

Whereas I don’t believe she’s quit drinking, this has made me think about how I even can forgive her, if and when it ever gets to that point. I know alcoholism is a disease and separate from a person just easily making a conscious choice, but I feel so much pain & trauma, I just look at her so differently. I understand AA talks about acknowledging mistakes and atonement, but I even question if her taking responsibility for those mistakes will be good enough for me. Moreover, I’m not even sure how to describe what her taking accountability looks like to me.

I’m in a vicious cycle of anger and hurt. I’m hurt about what she has done. I’m angry at her for all her behaviors. But worst of all, I’m mad at MYSELF for feeling like I can’t understand how this is a disease and not always a conscious decision. And I’m most angry with myself for not wanting and not knowing how to forgive.

How can someone let go of the past and learn to forgive? What does taking accountability look like coming from a person with a history of saying whatever is needed to manipulate people into doing she wants? Subsequently, how can I ever see any form of apology as genuine?

All input welcome. This has hands down been the biggest struggle of my life and I have quite literally been on the brink of admitting myself into an institution due to the severity of my mental health being impacted. I’m losing it and standalone therapy does not seem to help. I’m going to say what I always wanted my mom to say — someone please help.