It’s not even the drinking. Or the abuse of adhd meds. Or the secret maxed out line of credit. The thing I can’t seem to get past is so stupid: cigarettes.
Two years ago we went through a period of time where he just seemed completely out of control. Things had been good, we’d even been talking about having a child. And then suddenly he was volatile and angry and reactive in ways I had never seen. He was picking fights with me over my tone of voice, punching the wall, just…losing it.
We went to therapy. Spent hours talking through what might be going on, what we could both do to fix it. He went on a new medication partly because I didn’t think I could live with him if he was like that.
And now I find out that what was actually happening was that he’d started smoking secretly for three months, and then was quitting.
All the anger and the weirdness and the restless sleep? It makes so much sense in the context of nicotine withdrawal.
It just seems unfathomable to me that he would commit that hard to that particular lie. I would have been nothing but supportive if I’d known! There was no reason for it, and he just kept digging. He made me feel so crazy.
This all came out about a month ago, in a tearful conversation where he told me he’s been relapsing and then went through all the things he’s hidden for the past few years (I think he’s told me everything, but how the heck would I know if he hadn’t?). I want to support him getting sober again, and I’m glad to see him going back to meetings and seeing his therapist, but I’m at a bit of a loss as to how to move forward.
How do you share a life with someone when they can’t be honest with you?
It feels ridiculous to be considering leaving my husband over a lie about cigarettes. It’s not like he’s hitting me or cheating. But that lie just fed into so many other lies.