The directors of the firm hired to write this post after the other people had been sacked, wish it to be known that they have just been sacked.

This post has been completed in an entirely different style at great expense and at the last minute.

^{Bonus points if you get that reference.}

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Foreword:

I am off work this week so I am able to spend much more time getting to know someone like you.

Prologue: This will be long but informational, so buckle in for some fun and reading.

Okay, this paragraph is the most important one you read in this post. So, before my regularly scheduled program, let me just say that no effort messages like "hi" or "hey" will not be answered. Same with "How you doing?" Give me a paragraph or two about you. If you can't put the effort in, neither will I. I just will not reply to you. Also, empty accounts with no post history will most likely be passed over unless you write up a great intro message. If you're not a genuine person looking for something real, don't waste my time. I can sniff you out pretty damn well.

Chapter One: So, let's start out with what I'm NOT looking for. That way, if one of these are you, you can not waste both our time. (yeah, bullet points, got to love them)

• Trans or married/attached people. No judgment on you, your choices, or your lifestyle, I love ya all, but it's just not for me.
• Poly people. Again, there is no judgment, but I don't like sharing.
• Judgmental and uptight, easily offended, and closed-minded people. If you can't take a joke or you think you need to have control in someone else's life, move along.
• Time wasters. If you're not looking for something substantial, move along. I'm not here to just chat or make new friends. I'm looking for more than that.
• Smoking, HEAVY drinking, and drugs. I'm not into it. All deal breakers. I don't mind a little weed, but hopefully, keep it to edibles. I just can't stand the smell of that stuff. Same with social drinking. Don't mind a drink once in a while, but drinking hard just to get blackout drunk regularly is not my scene.
• Pet haters. I have two cats. They are my life. They're my little boy and little guy. They have full run of my place. He's a cuddle bug and is always near me. The little guy is crazy with that kitten energy. Expect to see pictures of them often.
• Kids. I don't have any, and I'm not looking to bring any into this crazy world. I'd prefer you didn't have any either, but exceptions can be made if you're really special.
• Low or no effort replies. Give me something to reply to when you message me. I don't want to guide the whole conversation or feel like I'm pulling teeth when I try to get more than a one word response. The more effort you put in, the more I will put it in. I can't stress this enough. Be willing to talk.

Okay, I'm sure that list will grow as time goes on, but it covers the basics for now.

Chapter 2: So, onto what I AM looking for. (Yay, more bullet points)

• Going to add this one right on top. Location. While I'm not against long distance for a little while, I'd prefer this to become something in person. So, the closer, the better. Or at least have the ability and means to visit here regularly. Anywhere within driving distance would be ideal. Pretty much all of New England, eastern New York state and northern PA is what I consider "driving distance". About 4 hours at most. Again, further is okay for a short time but not long term. And outside of the US, well, the time zone difference makes things rather difficult and it rarely works out for long.
• A sense of humor. Damn, be able to laugh. I make dumb jokes all the time. You don't have to find them funny, but don't get annoyed by them either. I have a silly yet dark sense of humor. Nothing is off limits to me. I can be inappropriate so don't be offended easily. Check my post history for comments I make on AskRedditAfterDark. That will give you a slight idea of my stupid humor type.
• Gamer friendly. I am a gamer. Have been for most of my life. Although I'd appreciate someone to play with me, you don't have to be a gamer, too. Just accept that I like to do it. I'm no longer hard-core, though. So, the game can be put aside for more important things if needed. I'm mostly on PC and have been playing various games as I wait for the next big thing to hit.
• Nerd/geek friendly. I like comic books. I like fantasy, sci-fi, adult animation, a bit of anime, horror, and many many **MANY** other things. I'm a computer geek. It kind of goes with the gaming territory. You don't have to be into the stuff I am all hardcore, but be able to tolerate it.
• Swearing. I work in the shipping industry, so it comes with the territory. Warehouses, loading docks, truck drivers, union workers, and people with no verbal censoring at all. I swear, a lot. I can censor myself most of the time, If needed, but at home or in private, the F-bombs fly. I don't care if you swear as well, but don't judge my foul language. If you don't hear me say "motherfucker" several times a day, check to make sure I'm feeling well.
• Kink friendly. I have quite a few kinks and am pretty open to most "weird" stuff. So please be kinky or open to exploration. Don't be strictly vanilla. Let your freak flag fly.
• Younger ladies (or girls or women, whatever you wish to be called) I'd prefer someone between 21 and 35. I would go over that limit for the right person, but you'd need to be very special. Same for 18 through 20. No offense, but you're still young and have some growing to do. But don't count yourself out. If you think you can hang with the big boys, take your shot.
• Body type. I don't really mind here. I like them, from skinny, to fit, to average to a bit chubby even. It's more about the personality. Sure, there has to be some physical attraction, too. I understand that, and hopefully, you do too.
• Looks. Doesn't matter to me. I'm attracted to all kinds of types. Though I don't have any, tattoos or piercings don't bother me.
• Hair. Well, as long as you have some. Not much into shaven headed women. No judgment on your choice, but I don't see it. As for color, it doesn't matter, really. I do have a thing for redheads, but it's not the only thing I like. I like all hair colors. I even go for strange colors like green or purple or blue.
• Race. Who cares? If I like you and find you attractive, I don't care what your skin color or race is. We are all pink and meaty on the inside.
• Religion. This is a tough one. I'm non-religious. I hover between agnostic and atheist. I don't really care what (or if) you practice. I just don't want it to get in the way of a relationship. FSM for life! (bonus points if you know what that means)
• Politics. I am a-political. I don't support either side. I prefer being in an anarcho-syndicalist commune. I don't care where your political affiliation lies, but I don't want to talk about it or have it be the foremost priority in your life. When I watch the news, I watch for local stuff and weather mostly, or anything big that doesn't have to do with anything political.
• Your first message. What I'd like to see is your name, (or something I can call you) your age, your location, a bit about you, you know, hobbies, past times, what you do for work, what you look like, (sure, I'd like a picture, but I know that can be a bit much for some right off the bat so I can wait) and what you're looking for in a relationship. Ask me a question or two. Doesn't matter how silly or weird it seems, just something to open a dialogue. I mean, it doesn't have to be overly detailed. Just a bit to give me something to talk about with you. There is nothing worse than getting a "hey" or "Hi" and having an empty post history, so I got nothing to start with. Who knows how many connections have been missed due to a lack of effort in sending a message. Yes, I keep mentioning this because I still get no effort messages. I WILL not reply to them. So if you're a one liner message sender then do not expect a reply. Your effort gets my effort; I'll give to you what you give to me. This is the second time I have brought this up. I will mention it again before we are done here. Look how I made it bold so you can see it is important.
• I will look at your post history before I reply to you. No posts or comments, or very new accounts are a bit of a red flag. I don't care if you post nudes for your own personal fun. I also don't care what you're into either. As long as it's nothing illegal or one of my major deal breakers, it's fine.
• Have some free time to be able to talk regularly. I get it, we can both get busy sometimes. Especially during the week with work. But if you're regularly too busy 24/7 and never have time for more than a message or two a day, or worse, less, then don't waste both of our time. This is mostly for those who are still in college, work a job or two, have extracurricular activities, and still try to maintain a social life. Again, as above, your effort gets my effort.

Chapter 3: So, I guess I should tell you a bit about me. The man, the myth, the legend.

^{Let's mix it up and throw numbers at you this time!}

1. My name is... (chika chika Slim Shady) Well, let's save that for when we talk in private I'll introduce myself in my first reply to you if you remember to give me your name first.
2. I'm 53. If you're not into age gaps or older guys, how the hell did you get so far into my post already? I mean the title is enough to turn you away.
3. I'm a big guy. Not fat per se. But I'm kind of tall and pretty broad. Yeah, I'm a bit soft around the middle now, but that comes with age. But I'm 6'1" and built like a stereotypical biker or trucker. I've been told I look like a Viking. I look pretty intimidating at times. I can have a pretty good resting bitch face, but I'm really an easy going, nice guy. A big teddy bear really.
4. Four shalt thou not count, nor shalt thou counteth to two, excepting that thou then proceed to three.
5. FIVE IS RIGHT OUT!
6. I have hair. I have a beard. Early gray runs in my family (not to be confused with Earl Grey which is a delicious tea) so my hair is mostly gray. But it covers my head. My beard is big and thick too. If you're not into facial hair, move along now. As of this posting, my hair is very short. The razor slipped last time I was trimming it so I had to buzz it shorter than usual.
7. I have a job. I work, rather hard too. I have a good union job that's quite physical so it keeps me in relatively decent shape. In fact, I used to be quite buff and a regular at the gym but injuries through life have put an end to that.
8. I'm single. Have been all my life. Not really the marriage type but I would do it for the right person.
9. I don't have kids. I don't want to have them either. Possibly a deal breaker for many, and I get it, I really do, but that's how I feel.
10. I don't smoke, drink or do drugs. Yeah, I mentioned this earlier and no, I don't drink at all. There's a story there but it's for when we know each other better.
11. I'm easy going, I'm patient and I'm relatively happy. I don't get mad anymore. I used to have a temper but I got over it. Now I just get disappointed in things but I take a breath and move along.
12. I drink tea. I prefer tea to coffee. So, yeah, the earl grey joke earlier has a bit of history. I don't mean Lipton tea bags either. To paraphrase Marcel, I got some serious gourmet shit. (bonus points for getting the reference)
13. I'm a gamer, geek, nerd. Revisiting this so it is out there. You want to game with me, great. You want to watch me, fine. Don't try to take me out of this lifestyle though. I'll also happily play board games or card games or other non-video style games with you as well.
14. I collect geeky stuff. My home office is filled with "junk" and stuff that I've picked up over the years. I have a ton of comics going quite a ways back. Lately I've been selling off a lot of my stuff just because I don't find the pleasure in having it anymore.
15. I'm pretty kinky. As mentioned before, I'm into a lot. I prefer to discuss these things privately. Only things I am not into are bathroom stuff, non-sexual bodily fluids and permanent harm or damage. More can be discussed as we get more comfortable with one another. If you're feeling especially curious and brave, ask to see my toy collection.
16. I'm edumacated. I have a college degree. I've never used it and I probably wasted all the money and time I spent on it way back when, but I do have some intellect. I'm not just a dumb slab of meat. But you should see my marbling.
17. I can be long winded. I mean look at this fucking post! If I'm in a mood I can send these long, drawn out messages and posts that just go on and on and don't really go much of anywhere. Hey, it's a habit. I do a lot of reading and have done a good amount of creative writing in the past. I like to be thorough and descriptive for complete understanding of the subject on which I am talking about. Funny thing is, when it comes to speaking, I'm not as much like this.
18. I'm in EST but I'm a night person. I'm up to about 2 am during work nights and later on weekends.
19. I'm an average guy, nothing special, so don't go into this expecting to find a super model type. I'm no George Clooney or Brad Pitt. Or whomever the women think is a hot older guy these days.
20. Bullet points. Yeah, there's a lot of them in this post. Hey, but it keeps things neat and organized. I don't think I like the numbers so much. For some reason, numbering the things makes it look like so much more than just the bullet point.

Epilogue:

So, you still with me here? That got as bit out of hand. But you can't say it's not thorough. I figure that the more information I list, the more I can weed out those who aren't compatible with me. Don't you agree? If you stayed with me through this whole thing, congratulations. I'm assuming, then, that you are interested. So, send me a message. Tell me a bit about yourself. It doesn't have to be epic length like this was, but I do like to have some information on which to build a reply. I do, however, prefer DMs over chat, but I can work with both. I know it can be tricky to get to the DM portion of a profile when you're on mobile so I don't instantly ignore chat requests. Finally, I am looking for something to become a real-life thing. The closer you are to me, the better chance of that happening. I'm in southern New England in case you have forgotten when you started reading this three days ago. I don't have a problem with things being online for a time, though, just in case you are a bit further away. I am tied to my location, though, so hopefully eventually you'd be able to relocate to me. But that would be something for the future us to worry about. Third and last time I'm going to say it. I really shouldn't have to, but you wouldn't believe the lack of effort messages I STILL get. Put some effort into a message to me. One word or one line messages are nothing and I truly won't reply to them unless you have a vast and rich post history that shows who you are. Simple, right? You'd think so. Just for shits and giggles, to see who read this far and can follow directions, ye must answer me, these questions three. 'Ere my reply ye see. WHAT! is your name? WHAT! is your quest? WHAT! is your favorite color? Bonus question: What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

Final Note:

I know my Public Speaking professor hated it ending like this, but "That's about it." So if you think we could be a match and you might be interested in talking, I look forward to hearing from you. If not, I hope you find someone to meet your needs and have a good day.

-E

~fin