Two years after my divorce, I've (46m) finally emerged from my cocoon and have been searching for my next partner. The above accusation: "You're just looking to settle," came from a female Redditor not long ago. I've thought a lot about that, and here is my rebuttal:

I like the word "settle." My life thus far has been anything but settled, and I say that as a man who was married for nearly two decades. Settled actually sounds good. I've had enough of this life of anxious upheaval I have lived. When you think of a house "settling," it means it's falling more comfortably into its intended and forever home. That's a good thing. The more settled it is, the stronger it is. Or think of a tree. I once planted a Yoshino cherry in my front yard and watched it bloom over the years into a real beauty. Its roots were deep. It was so beautiful precisely because it was so settled. And in a world where everything around you feels increasingly unsettled, what on earth is so wrong with hoping for a settled sanctuary from all that?

But of course, she meant I was looking to settle on a woman. Here are my thoughts on this, and I've pondered over this for a long time before writing this post. I think storybook love is bullshit. I don't trust butterflies in my stomach because butterflies of all sorts don't live very long. I'm not obsessed with finding "the one," because there isn't one. That's like searching for El Dorado or the fountain of youth. It's a complete waste of time and energy. I've been around and you know what I have learned? Any two people who are attracted to each other enough to enter into a relationship can make that relationship be amazing and last forever if both want it to, if both are committed to it, if both work hard for it. And I've also learned that the sort of love that grows slowly over time tends to last longer. Like the roots of a tree.

Yeah, I'm looking to settle. The first half of my life was awful. And I want to do the second half to be exactly as I'd like it to be. I was married long enough to know that I loved every second of the married lifestyle. I thrived and functioned very well in the husband role. And I'd like to have that life again. But this time, I know what I'm looking for and I know how to choose well for myself. I'm wiser for the wear.

If I meet a woman I feel I would enjoy making happy for the rest of my life, I will DEFINITELY settle on her and count myself damn lucky.