I'm feeling sick to my stomach because of this reoccurring realization, the realization that I deserve someone "better". I 20 (F) have been with my boyfriend 39 (M) for almost 2 years now. We often describe ourselves as soul mates but most of the time I couldn't disagree more. I know that there's no such thing as a perfect relationship but most of the time ours isn't even good. Idk I just feel like little things like when I try to address something that he's done that upset me is blown soo far out of the water it's crazy, my sadness is often met with his frustration and anger compassion is never his first option not even his second.

He does have things from his past that still weigh on him which is baby mama drama for the most part and also the way his career is going at times. I'm not defending him and saying those are valid excuses as to why the way he treats me should be accepted I'm just saying that those are his excuses. We've been together over a year and out of all the crazy things that go on with him and the baby mama drama plus the way his job goes those aren't even reasons I'd leave him, no one can control what happened in their past literally all I want is for him to be nicer, more compassionate and not to take things out on me when I'm only here to be supportive and loving. That's literally it.

I'm not asking for the world but he makes me feel like I am. I really don't want to leave him but I've been contemplating it a lot lately and I've left him more than once but obviously here I am back again but this time if I leave I'd want it to be the last time, I really want him in my life but not if nothing is going to change and I've been waiting for him to change for a while now, I feel like if it was going to happen it would have already. He's in therapy and everything like that but I feel like it's doing nothing when it comes to him being more calm and understanding. This is honestly just me venting but any advice or words of encouragement are appreciated.