I (20f) told my mom about my one year relationship with my partner who is 16 years older and she heavily disapproved and looked sad and overwhelmed a few weeks ago. I still live with my parents and kept my relationship private for a year. I shared about my relationship with my partner who’s 16 years older and she had very logical fears. Fears that I’ve been observant and cautious about, faced and chose to make the right decisions accordingly. She avoided conversations to do with him and pretended nothing happened. She said she can’t tell my dad and she wishes I’d wait till after college. That I’m not making a right choice. I told her we both are in transitional stages of our lives; he still has so much he wants to do in the next years in career and travel just as I do. He spent his 20s working to support his dad and now he is finally beginning his own life just as I am. I told her if we felt like we desired different directions in the future we would break up just like any relationship. The next month we didn’t talk about it at all. We went back to normal. Except today I accidentally sent her photos of me and my partner on our recent road trip while she was at work. She saw them and I feel guilty if I sent her into a panic meltdown.

I have to admit though my biggest flaw where I was wrong and needed to brutally admit to myself was that pocketing my relationship was hurting both me and my partners ability to advance into long term. I’m almost done with college and need to be clear on growing. I had to admit to myself That I was living a lie and from fear which goes against some of my biggest values. I was decieving my parents whom I love the most because of fear of their narrow views and fear that I would destroy my relationship with family and be seen negatively. Fear that since I live with them, they would lash out on me, that my younger sister will no longer look up to me and not having the mental strength to handle such scenario. I understand my mom’s shock, it’s the consequence of my action for burrying my relationship for too long.

I decided to take actions that aligned with what I desire, to grow with my partner and take the steps to have him as part of my family and to accept whatever people think of me is beyond my control. I made it clear it would never change the love or effort I have for family. I always desired to bring my partner as part of my family and feel unapologetic about sharing my life. To be transparent with my parents with my desires for the future. I choose to trust myself to respond healthily and stand for what I do as long as I’m following my values.

Now I’m dealing with the anxiety of uncertainty. I feel like I want to run or hide because I feel so exposed and uncomfortable. I panicked a little because she hadn’t brought up the conversation of him in a long time because she was upset. I feel like the photos of us kissing and being next to each other really hit her that I was in fact in a relationship with an older man. I feel like a big weight off my shoulders even though I did it on accident. I don’t feel upset about showing my partner. I feel parts of myself guilty for possibly making her stress or worry about me. It would break my heart a little if she feels upset or overwhelmed after texting me “how will I tell your dad???”. She said she will talk to me later. I don’t know how it will go or what are the next steps for me. I have such a soft spot for my parents it’s something I’m navigating to learn to not cater to their vision of what I should be.