A few years ago I met a man I haven’t stoped thinking about. It shouldn’t have worked on paper. I was in college and he was divorced with adult children. However it felt right. I had never been with someone that much older than me. He was 53 and I was 20. I was very hesitant for weeks. I never considered it because it always felt icky. I was always considered with men who only dated younger. I was the first younger woman he had ever approached so I felt more comfortably knowing this wasn’t a pattern and he wasn’t likely a weirdo or a creep.

We talked for a while and he began to grow on me and I fell tor him. I suppose in the beginning it felt fun maybe even not because he was older and white and I was younger and black. All the things you’re told not to do and we did it anyway. He wasn’t from around my area but traveled other for work. We would text all day and I’d see him every few months. Over the two years I truly fell for him in a way I didn’t imagine I would for anyone let alone a much older man. I began to think about a life and future. Which hurt because I know at his age he’d likely not want to start over.

Eventually I began to hear from him less and be announced his depression diagnosis. Then one day I never heard from him again. It’s been while but I still think about him on our birthday. I hope his well. I wish we worked out even if it was just us. I’m not sure I’ve ever loved or been loved like that. Not sure I’ll ever be again.

I’ve tried dating men my age and older and no one compares. He wasn’t my first love or relationship but he set the bar for the way I want to be treated and it’s hard to find someone who comes close. I know I shouldn’t compare but it’s hard not to. My heart ached for months after but I’m ready to get out there but it never feels right. I always felt like the prize, special, supported and like the only girl in the world. It feels now most men I meet seem to want me to feel grateful to meet them. It feels condescending. I miss the joy he brought and I fear it was lost when I lost him.