I recall a comedian several years ago, one of those guys that just does lots of one-liners said, “did ya ever notice that everyone driving faster than you is driving too fast and everyone driving slower than you is driving too slow?” He got laughs and moved on. But the truth of that joke stuck with me and I apply this principle in all aspects of my life. Even before hearing the joke/truth I was a relatively libertarian, live-and-let-live sorta guy, but after it even more so.

Obviously, the lesson here is ‘if you do more or less than I do you are wrong, but if you do it just like I do it then you are right.’ That’s how most people think and judge others and their actions.

Now, I’ll concede that there is a point at which it’s true. If I’m going 55mph in a 55 mph zone and someone goes 120mph past me then they are indeed going ‘too fast,’ and likewise if they were doing 25mph on a 65mph freeway they would indeed be going ‘too slow.’ There is a point in the analysis where the excess in either direction is harmful to others.

As it pertains to age gap relationship/dating/sex: I see this principle play out here in this thread ALOT. One group saying 5-10 years is ok but not more and another saying 7-15 is ok but not more. I hear accusations and innuendo about abuse and power dynamics but I don’t hear any accusations laid that aren’t also true in lots of same age relationships. I hear (IMO) an excessive amount of judgment here based on personal standards. The principle re-stated “if your age gap is bigger than I approve you are wrong.”

18 year olds can elect for life-altering surgeries: Aren’t doctors vs patient in a gigantic power differential? 18 year olds can enlist in the military and thank God they can: isn’t the relationship between them and a recruiter and the U.S. Government a massive power differential? 18 year olds can vote which is not only making decisions for themselves but for the rest of us as well. 18 year olds can become employed all on their own, making great decisions or horrible ones vis á vis companies and hiring agents and obviously the power dynamic there is significantly large. 18 year olds can apply, enroll, and attend colleges and universities on their own. These can be great decisions , horrible ones or of course a mix such as switching majors or dropping out. Part of that mix is student loans and other assorted debt (credit cards, apartment leases and on and on)…. All legally binding on them after they turn 18. The differential between all those relationships should be apparent. (Literal power and authority, experience, wealth etc). 18 year olds can of their own volition marry other 18 year olds, and I don’t think I need to comment much on the likelihood of success that will be (I originally married at 19 to a 19 year old, so I know a bit). 18 year olds if they have the credit etc can sign for a 30-year mortgage. Obviously, at 18, agree or disagree, for better or worse we, as a society, have decided you are fully invested legally as an adult (except for handguns and alcohol which is a different discussion :).

Any of us that have lived very long can look back at times of our lives and realized how ignorant and naive we were at times in our past. However, that’s no reason to claim the job, the college, the military, the doctor were all wrong or abusive or toxic because later we learned it was a bad decision for us. We live, we learn and hopefully we have those around us to advise us and love us and support as we bumble through it all. But that doesn’t make all of the agents of power in our lives as we fuck things up evil or wrong as we muddle through it. Neither does it make the elder in an age gap relationship necessarily bad or wrong or evil etc

People of any age can enter into relationships that over time can become toxic or wonderful, age gap or not. Age is not a determinant factor as a blanket principle in the success or lack thereof of a relationship. It may enhance one relationship because of the two specific people involved and it may curse another pair. I feel for any and every couple that doesn’t find happiness and of course some we read about here are bad. However, I would encourage us to not judge simply based on our personal standards but if asked for judgment to render it based on the specificsof the couple not our personal standards of “too fast or too slow.”

Have a great day and may we all find everlasting love and happiness regardless of the (18 ) age of the other person we find it with.