(Trigger warning: I’ll be mentioning SA) So me[23f] and my now separated partner[46m] have been on and off for a year now and have known each other and been into each other for about two years now. But this last year has been rough. I recently just broke things off with him AGAIN. Because he is overwhelming and controlling. Also last time I ended things be blew my phone up with calls and voicemails and texts and emails and stalked me and drove by my house, he was also banned from my work and still showed up with another female to go into my workplace for him to mess with me. Oh yeah also showed up to my exes house and left a nasty note on his car to upset him. Idk just giving context for how shitty and crazy he can be. After we ended things this time I reached out about a week later from a new email without my name just to tell him I love him and will always love him no matter what even if we aren’t together because I know he must be hurting and confused, and obviously he knew it was me but he sent back hurtful emails and one including him mentioning sexual trauma I experienced.

I’ll quote a part of what he said in the email: “Also, I've got a good one in store; I mean you're stuck on a step-dad who pressed his hard on into your pelvis and an ex-bf who you claim raped you (does he know that?), so I figured out a good one for you when the time is right.”

He also mentioned hoping he gets luck in “fucking” someone soon. He’s mentioned multiple times of not believing women in our work place when they talk about being raped or sexually assaulted because one of them lied about it and he is distrustful. After knowing him for as long as I have now I’ve realized how misogynistic he can be and how he has underlying mommy issues that he refuses to accept or want to work on(absolutely nothing wrong with that either I’m not judging him for that but he’s in denial of it).

That email hurt me though. He also sent another telling me I’m worthless and ugly and that he hopes I die. I ended things peacefully too. All of this because I blocked him because he wouldn’t let me hang out with friends. I maybe see my friends once or twice a month? I was hanging out with him EVERYDAY he was jobless and so was I and he wanted me to go on unemployment I’m assuming so we could continue hanging out everyday without work taking me from him.

Idk I just want to know how I should feel because I don’t think I’m processing it correctly. I’m very confused and I still love him SO SO MUCH. part of me wants to discreetly keep reaching out and being positive and tell him I love him, another part of me wants to tell him what a piece of shit he is for mocking my SA events. He was literally sexually assaulted??? I would NEVER make fun of that experience or toy with his emotions by using it against him. Another part of me just wants to ignore him and not even give him the satisfaction of a response.