We broke up right before covid. I (47f) and him (73m) had a weird relationship. He didn't want to be in a relationship when we were together. We had an other worldly intimate relationship. When we were together we were both living our best lives. It was magical.

He pretty much threw me away though. After a year and half of having me in his life and being in an "unrelationship" I moved away.

I'm forgiving and we've remained friends. We met up a year ago and spent a weekend. It was weird. The pandemic took a toll on him and he isn't the same. He always lived in the moment and traveled pre-pandemic. Lived his life how he wanted. Which is what I loved. He was witty, sarcastic, funny.

He is like a shell now. We talk in depth about it. I'm staying w him visiting and it makes me sad. He is disappointed I don't want to have sex. And I get it. I thought I would want to but when I got here I just can't.

We talked about why and it comes down to the way he treated me when we were together. Those wounds surfaced and I'm guarded. Also the age gap is on my mind now too whereas it never was before.

I feel like when we were together I would have stayed with him had he been in a place of wanting a relationship and our age wouldn't have matter to me. I saw myself taking care of him as he aged i was prepared. I loved him deeply.

His remorse for throwing it away, I think is part of his depression. He doesn't want to be alone and had hopes it would be the way it was before.

There are so many more details and too much to write here. Just needed to get this out. I'm sad for him and wish I could be in a different place. But at the same time, it's nice to know I won't allow him a chance to do me the way he did before.

I hope he finds someone.