He makes me feel so special. I just got out of an unhappy relationship and he and I bonded immediately and intensely. He constantly compliments my work ethic and presence, he sees me as very commanding and powerful. Calls me beautiful every time we talk. He once said my aura is purple, because I have a ‘royal’ energy. Calls me a queen, and he’s always saying a man should treat his lady like one. He’s a bartender and I’m in training— he bought me something as an initiation gift. He’s a great mentor and advocate for me. He motivates me to learn more and he really believes in my potential.

But ultimately he says he doesn’t see a relationship because of the age gap. Part of that is his insecurity of getting “old”; he says he doesn’t want to steal me away from people my age or go bald and gray. (Just like to point out that he’s a very handsome guy and looks young for 40.) Another part is feeling like he’s stealing away my life. Says I should be saving money and travelling, not getting tied down and having kids with a much older man.

I think I do need to grow a lot. I can’t have kids without developing my career. I’m just a barback, I need to learn more and earn my place. I do want to travel and push myself to explore alone and meet new people.

The hardest part is knowing that he’s right. I feel so vulnerable and insecure and I think he’s starting to see that. I told him it was going to be very hard for me to be his friend and work with him because I’m starting to develop feelings, and knowing that we both care for each other but can’t be together is hurting me.

We talked on the phone last night and I told him a story from when I was a kid, which made me feel really vulnerable. And right after he ended the conversation because it was late (2am) and he had work in the morning. I felt super sad that he had to go so suddenly after I opened up to him.

Lately, when I’m with him, I don’t feel like the 21 year old woman I am. I feel like a girl. I stumble when I’m around him. I’m sad when I see him because things are not the same, at first there was hope that we could be together but after talking for hours every week we’ve both seen that now is not the right time, and maybe it never will be.

I’m attracted to him because of his knowledge, experience and of course his mature features. He’s attracted to me because of my drive and passion and commitment that probably comes with youth. But those attractions are two sides of the same coin; they are exactly what’s separating us.