Hey there, naughty housewives! You’re scrolling Reddit, dreaming of a man who’s not your husband, one that knows how to make your lady bits sing "Deep in the Heart of Texas". You’ve tried wine and smutty books, but let’s face it, you’d rather be drinking that wine while a real man makes you read that book aloud, in character, while he’s giving you the ride of your life. That’s where I come in.

TL;DR: I’m your wild weekend in Vegas when you’ve only ever been to Broken Bow. I’m 42, 5’9”, happily married, and packing a punch that’ll make your husband wonder why you're suddenly so interested in the vacuum cleaner. I've been on a bit of a self-imposed hiatus, focusing on the fam, but now, I'm hungrier than a college student on spring break. I'm looking for married moms who want to trade in his gentle Tuesday night missionary for something that’ll make you see stars and thank the heavens above.

You know what you need? A good, hard…workout. A workout so good, it’ll make you forget the dishes and laundry, and the fact that you've got a mortgage to pay. I’m here to give you that. I’m here to make your panties damp, your legs shake, and your heart race.

What I’m into:

• Curvy, confident women, 30s to early 50s, with a “mom-bod” – curves in all the right places, a result of bearing and raising kids. It's fucking sexy, and I want to worship every inch of it.
• A woman who knows she’s a queen and demands what she deserves. If you want to ride me like a rodeo queen, I'm your horse. Just don't blame me if you get thrown off from too many orgasms.
• I'm not just looking for a good time (though that's a big part of it), I want intelligence, humor, and a filthy mouth. If you can make me laugh while we’re intimate, bonus points for you.
• Everything – from slow, sweet loving to hard, dirty fucking. Sexting, phone sex, car make-outs, you name it. I’m your partner in crime. I'm a giver. I'm a taker. I'm whatever you need me to be to feel like the goddess you are.

What I’m not into:

• Drama – I’ve got enough of that at home, thanks. I’m here to offer an escape, give you pleasure, not pain. I mean, unless you’re into that, in which case, let’s discuss your safe word.
• Lying – if you’re married, great, let's keep it that way. If not, let’s be honest about it.  I don’t want to be your husband’s replacement; I want to be the man you sneak out to see when he’s away on business.
• Small talk – I’m here to make you feel things, not talk about them. I'm talking about the kind of pleasure that makes you bite your lip, the kind that makes you forget your kids’ names (temporarily, of course).
• Bad hygiene – If you can’t handle soap and water, how will you handle my thick, veiny, eager cock?

So, ready to throw caution to the wind and make your lady bits wetter than Lake Dallas? Ready to laugh so hard you pee and come so hard you feel like you'll be talking to Jesus? Then send me a pic (no faces, please) and tell me what you’re looking for. Let's make some memories that'll have you blushing every time you think about 'em. Your lady bits are thanking me already.

PM me. Let’s go.

P.S. I’m not looking for a one-night stand. I’m looking for a secret. A delicious, dirty, little secret that we can both sink our teeth into. I’m talking about a woman I can trust, a woman who’ll keep coming back for more.