Hey, lady in red (or whatever color your panties are today). I’m not here to whine about my marriage or play the “Dead Bedroom” card. My wife and I have a great sex life, but even the best sex life needs a little… variety? That’s where you come in.

Now, picture this: 40, dark hair, hazel eyes, 5’9”, a dimly lit, plush hotel suite, a glass of twenty-five-year-old Scotch in hand. That’s me. Smooth, sophisticated, and I know what I’m worth.

What else? 1. Health and fitness are a part of my life, but I’m no gym rat. I’d rather be in bed with a good book (or a good woman) than on a treadmill any day. 2. I’m a master of detail - I’ll remember your favorite flowers, your secret fears, and exactly how you like your coffee. 3. I’m a music snob, from Bach to the Black Keys, and I want to hear you moan to my playlist. What’s the sexiest album you’ve ever listened to alone, while touching yourself? 4. Luxury isn’t just about money, it’s about time, experience, and who you share it with. And I want to share it with you, naked, and covered in champagne. 5. I believe in giving back, both in and out of the bedroom. Think of me like Habitat for Humanity, but for orgasms.

Here’s what I’m looking for in a woman: 1. I’m not into the skinny, high-maintenance types. I want a woman with curves, someone who knows how to take a dick and beg for more. 2. A body that makes me want to cancel all my work meetings, skip my kids’ soccer games, and tell my wife to take a hike. You know, temporarily, because I still love her. 3. A woman who can keep up with me, in every sense of the word. Someone with a mind as sharp as her tongue, and a body that makes my mouth water. 4. A woman who understands that this is just a little… extracurricular activity. A spicy interlude in our otherwise committed lives.

I’m a busy man, so let’s keep things simple: 1. I don’t have time for drama. I love my wife, and I expect you to love your husband. This is about us, not them. 2. Show me what you’ve got. I’m a visual man, and I need to know what I’m getting into. If you’re not comfortable with that, we’re not going to work. 3. If we’re feeling it, let’s meet within three weeks. I’m a busy man, and I expect you to be just as eager. No endless messaging, no games. 4. You’ve got to be ready. I’m not into long, drawn-out conversations. If we’re feeling it, let’s fuck. Like, immediately.

So, tell me, where’s the one place in the world you’d go, if money and time were no object? And no, it can’t be Disney World. Let’s keep it classy, like a fancy strip club, not a fucking Chuck E. Cheese.

Just remember, I’m not your prince charming. I’m the big, bad wolf, and I’m more than ready to huff and puff and blow your house down. And by house, I mean your panties.