People only come to a place like this for a handful of reasons. Whether it’s the chemistry you once had that felt like fire but is now cold as ice, or the passion and excitement that have faded into nothingness, replaced by boring and mundane daily text messages and conversations. Or maybe it’s your sex life that has become so uneventful and dull that it feels more like a chore than enjoyment.

With that being said, I could start this post off like some other people. I could sit here and complain about how lonely and sex-deprived I am. Or I could brag about how big my Johnson is and what I’d do to you, feeding you a load of nonsense about what you're missing—blah, blah, blah. Just like a power tool, you know the drill: read, scroll, laugh, side-eye, say WTF a few times, repeat… Nah, I’m not gonna do that; it’s boring and predictable. Instead, I’m going to share what I can offer you and add a little humor. After all, that’s why you’re reading this. You want to know what I bring to the table; it’s a fact. Let’s flip the script and get into this novel, shall we?

What do I offer, and what do I bring to the table? Besides a manly strut, endless banter, and tons of laughs.

Honesty. Well, first off, I will be honest—probably to a fault. Yeah, zip it! Don’t laugh too hard; after all, you’re here, right? We’ve all met shady people living this lifestyle. Honesty seems a bit counterintuitive to what we are doing here. I know, I know—honesty in an affair? You’re probably thinking this guy is on crack. Psst, I’m not. But seriously, if you’re going to have an affair, you absolutely need to be honest. Honest about what you want, honest about boundaries, how you expect to be treated, etc. These types of relationships need to be defined so you know what to expect. After all, this is an adult subject that requires adult conversation and lots of communication. With that being said, self-reflection is important as well. Just because affairs are shady by nature doesn’t mean we have to lose all morality.

Trust. Haha, keep chuckling, short stuff. Maybe you’re tall; I don’t know. Think about what we are doing here—does that not involve trust? If this goes sideways, it could cost us both tremendously. How about being discreet? Loose lips sink ships... the ones on your face. Well, the other set could too. Both sets should be tight-lipped. With that being said, you also need to trust that I have your best interests at heart. It’s a fact—people are selfish and narcissistic; not everyone will. I always have my AP’s best interests at heart and would never compromise that. I also expect the same.

Respect. That’s self-explanatory, but people screw that up daily here. I don’t send unsolicited d*** pics, nor do I send 200 messages blowing up your phone because you didn’t respond right away. Yeah, it’s a thing, apparently. Respecting boundaries is important. I will never ask anything of anyone that I will not do myself. Different people have different comfort levels, and I respect that. Also, don’t ask for nudes if you’re not willing to do the same in return. Respect goes both ways. You’re a person, not an object to be conquered and owned. With that being said, I look at the human aspect rather than objectifying. I’m not looking for a conquest, just something deeper.

Loyalty. I’m sure you’re thinking, "This dude’s a flipping trip." You may be asking yourself, "Did he eat lead paint chips as a kid?" Maybe! So what if I did? I made it this far... barely, but still… What do I mean by that? Well, if I’m with you, then I’m with you. I don’t want a one-night stand, nor do I want five side chicks or a chick with five side dudes. You know the saying about throwing a hot dog down a hallway—no one likes that. Besides, it’s just ewww. So if we go down this road, I will focus on you; that’s it. Long-term is the goal. I’m picky about who I sleep with; I have to be. I’m DDF and want to keep it that way. Besides that, no one has time for all that bullcrap; time is the most expensive thing we have to invest. Once spent, you can never get it back. So in a way, we are all investors, and I choose to invest wisely. I settled in my relationship; I won’t settle in my affair. I’d rather find the right one than one right now. I’m patient, not desperate.

What am I looking for?

I’m looking for a long-term exclusive FWB/girlfriend-type situation with someone who is an effective communicator and a great conversationalist. Ideally, you’d live close to where I am and be willing to split the commute. If you’re not local, I’ll travel if you do; 50/50 is fair. My limit is about two hours unless you like to travel. After all, I’d love to meet you and hang out. Isn’t that why we’re here?

About you.

Intelligent, independent, smart-ass, funny, nerdy, witty, confident, secure, an excellent communicator, and someone who loves to talk/text/FaceTime a lot! You know the type that never shuts up? Have you been told that? I love that type. I offer far more than the typical 9-5 B.S. you see here. I’m available almost anytime—test me and find out; certain restrictions do apply. I'm attracted to athletic, normal, or curvy body types. Love fake lashes and nails. Do you need them? No. I’m such a sucker for doe or almond-shaped eyes and a great big smile. Can you speak with only your eyes without moving your mouth? If you can, I’m screwed. Those who can know exactly what I mean. So, so screwed… it’s pretty obvious I love eyes. Those are the first things I notice, then hair, lips, etc. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS THAT YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY. Also, smell good and no hairy feet. If they are, shave them. We all love slippers, just not that kind. PERSONALITY is the most important, but there has to be a certain level of physical attraction as well. Who are we kidding? Shallow? Maybe. We all are, and we all have a type. I spend a fair amount of time in the gym to look a certain way, and I like the same. Just take pride in your appearance; confidence is extremely sexy.

About me.

I speak fluent sarcasm, silliness, nonsense, girl math, and target. What a catch, right? Modest as well, haha. As far as my looks go for all you pervs, I’d be considered attractive depending on your type. My build is more on the muscular side—no dad bod here. I’m told I’m a snack; I’d say more like a full-course meal. I can dress up or down for any occasion. Eyes: blue; hair: dirty blonde, short; beard with a little grey; tattooed and very well-groomed. You could say I have the bad boy look with the IDGAF attitude and the biggest heart you will ever find. I wear my heart on my sleeve; you’ll always know where you stand. I have most of my hair and a mouth full of teeth, so being hatfished isn’t a problem! Height: 5’10”—yeah, yeah, not 6ft, but oh well. People put my age around early 40s. Am I a perfect 10? Hell no! Am I everyone’s type? Nope, and I’m 100% okay with that. After all, we all have a type, and that includes you.

When replying:

Also, tell me a little about yourself. Read this part again if necessary. - Age - Location - Hobbies - A brief description of yourself; be unique. Don’t reply with "HI…" or "Hey." That’s just lazy and mindless. Set a tone for future conversations. I prefer text over app communication. I handle my business like an adult; you should as well. Also, be prepared to send a photo early on.

^{important^}

I know what I’m looking for is rare. I’m very picky about who I will invest in; I can afford to be. I’m a man who knows exactly what he brings to the table. I will never ask anything from you that I can’t deliver myself. Point blank… I can deliver. Can you?