Okay, you got the title down. It's definitely not pretentious or overconfident to think people want to read your thoughts. You're a funny guy. You make people laugh all the time, and it definitely has nothing to do with that hideous growth on your neck.*

This is where you say what you're looking for from whatever all this is. Everyone seems so horny on here. You're not. Well, you are. Sometimes. But you can just practice "self care" if the urge gets to be too much. Do people still call it post nut clarity? They should. It's definitely a real thing. No, you like getting to know people. That's more important. You want those sparks and those butterflies and all that stuff, right? Even posting this is exciting in a way. The thought that the right person is out there for the right situation is pretty exciting. A real connection. That's the goal. And then if other stuff happens along the way, icing on the proverbial cake. Not real cake though. Real cake is pretty gross. It's like someone challenged the person who invented it to increase the calorie content of sweet bread to the point health insurance companies started to invest. Best to avoid since you're staying in good shape.

Speaking of shape, describe yourself. People want that, right? White and a solid 8. Good beard. Mostly a good beard. How you still mostly suck at grooming it is wild. Blue eyes. Tall and a pretty sharp dresser. Educated, degree, professional gig. It actually sounds not bad when you line it all up. Just don't be a prick about it. Being a dad might scare some folks away. Should you mention the tattoos? People are still oddly divided on tattoos. If you want to pay a stranger hundreds of dollars to stab you repeatedly and leave behind ink, who cares? What about the character flaws? Maybe save those. You're posting in affairs. They can guess at least one.

What's next? Preferences. Fucking preferences. As if you're cool just saying what you're looking for without being afraid you come off as an ass. You probably shouldn't be afraid, though. You like all body types. You're not a jerk if you find someone unattractive. You're too old for surface level crap. Smart is good. Sharp wit is also good. But those things in combination with warmth and kindness. No smart while being a fuck about it or sharp wit but it's just mean. Should you say you like boobs and butts? That feels redundant. Everyone likes that. An attractive smile and face is more important. Don't forget to say you want someone who doesn't just want to be mean about their spouse all the time. That's a bad look.

Oh, hobbies. Duh. What do you do? Read. Some Star Wars and LOTR stuff, but never in anyone's face about it. Probably don't say you like sports. You're a dude. Of course you have your little teams and rituals and definitely superstitious outfits you wear on GameDay. You're in the Midwest. They know. But the right person should have their own interests they can tell you about, too. It's awesome learning about other people's passions.

Dude, how long are you going to ramble? No one's reading this. You're not even reading the whole thing to profred it. Just tell people to send a chat, and hope for the best.

*I do not have a growth, hideous or otherwise, on any parts of my body. Unless you count my whole face. SELF BURRRRRN