Hi there, Reddit.

This is probably the most niche ad you’ll see today, so buckle up. I’m a black artist and scholar, looking for a connection with a woman who’s slightly older than me, white, and exudes a maternal vibe. Think: birthing hips, maybe a tendency to overuse phrases like “bless your heart,” and a soft spot for pets and kids (bonus points if your dog is cooler than mine).

Before you ask: no, I am not your current husband. So, if you’re here to bait me into sending a pic and then ghosting with a smug “gotcha,” please swipe left or whatever the Reddit equivalent is. I’m here for real connections, not performances. And no, this isn’t purely pornographic—though I won’t deny the allure of trading a few tastefully wild pics and videos.

I’m looking for someone who gets the grind of life, stress, and balancing responsibilities. Someone who understands that while I may seem like I have my life together (artist! scholar!), I’m also human enough to sometimes just want to hide in a blanket fort. If you’re down to exchange thoughts, wit, and some photos (no price tags involved), let’s talk.

What You’ll Get: A daily hello and “how are you?” because I believe in starting and ending the day with connection. Unquestioned loyalty and support (you just killed 6 people? I’ll help you hide bodies…this is a joke, FBI). Hourly positive affirmations (yes, even when you’re in a messy bun and sweatpants). Someone who appreciates your quirks, pets, and possibly chaos, without judgment.

What You Won’t Get: My credit card number or social security number. My banking information (unless you’ve mastered telekinesis, then we’ll talk). Access to my social media, because boundaries are important. Money in general, unless it’s a thoughtful holiday or birthday gift—don’t get greedy.

One Last Thing:

If you’re talking to 30 other guys, I genuinely don’t care. If you have that kind of time and energy, I’m actually jealous. My only request is that you don’t tell me. Honesty is key, but I’m giving you full permission to lie to me about that specifically. Sometimes, ignorance really is bliss.

Sarcasm welcomed. Pets and kids encouraged. Birthing hips…well, let’s call that the cherry on top.

So, if you’re feeling maternal, adventurous, and in possession of a slightly chaotic household, drop me a message. Let’s make this the most unexpected connection either of us has ever had.

Sincerely, A Guy Who Really Hopes You’re Not His Neighbor’s Wife