When a post in this sub is by a man with a number of 50 or more, let alone 60 or more, the text better be some serious D.H. Lawrence-level prose.

I was tempted to use ChatGPT to draft this.

Candidly, I gave it a shot. It was awful. Smarmy!

Ok.

Me:

• Older but look younger. Seriously: early 50s at most, now mid- to late 40s since I shaved off my scruff.

• Handsome. (I am indeed handsome, but I just raised your expectations to ___(fill in celebrity crush here)-level. I’ve been told I have movie star looks, but my favorite comparison is to the actor who drove the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile in a 1996 Super Bowl commercial. Spitting image. He was dorky. Still my favorite. Don’t waste your time Googling; I’ve tried. It’s not there. Sadly.)

• Not hung. (Average.)

• Not rich. (Doing just fine.)

• Flexible schedule. Extremely flexible schedule. Available during business hours and after hours. Weekends in person, though, are tough.

• Able to travel.

• Great cook. Decent baker.

• Soothing voice.

• In shape. 5’9” and 165 lbs.

• Thinning hair. Getting a bit insecure about it.

• Full set of teeth, haven’t had a cavity or dental work since Reggie Jackson played in the World Series. (This is more important to most of us than my being well hung.)

• Normally a winsome self-denigrating sense of humor. Not sure how this post is going, though…

• Mild osteoarthritis in the right hip — has caused some pain that I’m self-aware of but am doing LOTS of glute and quad work. PT guy is convinced that working a soft tissue solution is the ticket. I’d like to believe him, because I am way too young for hip replacement surgery.

You:

• tolerate, even enjoy, even revel in, the above.

• not a smoker. not a heavy drinker.

• eyes that I can’t look away from.

• would enjoy my cooking you a meal.

• love or at least like dogs. I’m agnostic about your feeling about cats. I’m fine with cats, but if you hate dogs, we might have problems.

• are married.

• preferably have kids. (I have kids and even grandkids.)

• when you laugh, your eyes sparkle. Oh yeah, I already mentioned the eyes. Well, I’m big on eyes.

• what I’m looking for in you really could have included only one dealbreaker — if you smoke cigarettes, that’s a dealbreaker, no exceptions — but I had to have the appearance of balance.

• and only positive requirement? you’re fun. lots of fun.

DMs open. Especially if you saw that Super Bowl ad and know which guy I’m talking about. If you DO, I am driving to the nearest hotel to you and we shall fuck like little bunny rabbits.