We’ve all had those moments where we thought we could change our situation… but here we are, still in sweatpants/yogapants with a plate full of leftovers. Let’s be real, we’ve all thought about it — maybe once, maybe a dozen times, especially after the third helping of mashed potatoes. No shame in admitting it. Sometimes, life doesn’t quite unfold like we hoped — kind of like that turkey you tried to roast, but somehow ended up as a Pinterest fail.

Which is a perfect segue into explaining why I am here. I merely want to find someone to hold hands with as we jump from the cliff into the water below. Someone who inspires me to want to take things too far but who has at least some impulse control. More than me at any rate.

I don’t know about you but I’m tired of compromising on my own happiness, so if you’re not already thoroughly put off by me already, perhaps I can anger you with the following list of what may very well be unrealistic expectations:

• Have goals and desires. Having an interest in continuing to grow as a person is something I find important. I want to challenge and be challenged, learn new things, and experience new parts of the world. Or old parts of it but in new ways. Which isn’t to say that this is some 24 hour per day goal. I’m perfectly fine eating pizza naked and picnic style on the bed. I just ask for privacy when it’s time to tuck into some chicken wings.

• Be passionate about something. It needn’t be anything I am remotely interested in or anything that is even objectively interesting. But I find passion attractive.

• Be reasonably intelligent and moderately sophisticated. I don’t know how to expand upon this without sounding like a dick but, seriously, this isn’t.

• Have and be able to respect boundaries. Although I have a good deal of freedom in my life, there are limitations that may sometimes prevent us from speaking or seeing one another when we want. Children and a career do tend to occupy an outsized share of many of my days. Not freaking out in these situations is helpful.

• Be married. I don’t trust single people who are interested in dating married ones. I’m sure there are reasons why this might be appealing but none that won’t have me thinking that you have psycho potential.

• Have an interest in meeting in real life. I get that people find sustenance through online relationships but I’m not one of them.

As for me, I’m residing in the skin of a well educated professional type in an unremarkable corner of the Midwest. Like a drunk waking up in a prison cell, I’m not entirely sure how I came to be here but know that I must have fucked up bad this time.

One day, I’ll engage in some prolonged period of introspection in the hope of finding some modicum of peace but for now, nothing less than the interaction with a good woman will do.

P.S. - We won't be really jumping off a cliff.