UPDATE: I'm getting a lot of messages. I want to acknowledge as many as I can, especially the thoughtful and complimentary ones. This will involve me sounding like a curt, casting director, which I'm not proud of. But today I have 180 notifications. Please don't be insulted by my delayed or short responses. Please note that pictures help me make quicker decisions.

I have ADHD, so I understand if this post is too long for some of you. I’ll try to be as brief as I can. 

I wanted to make a one-year anniversary post, but my stupid, little, internalized, forlorn feelings won’t shut the fuck up. I’m keeping very busy, (working, planning trips/events, working out/sports, yard work/gardening, parenting, rewatching old shows, cleaning/organizing, reading, etc.) but I’m struggling to move on. I’m in need for a QUALITY distraction. I don’t think I will be successful in finding this, but as they say: nothing ventured, nothing gained. 

• My Physical Description:
  • I’m Caucasian. A former AP once described my skin as porcelain, but he never saw how tan I can get in the summer.
  • I’m 5’7” tall. 
  • I weigh between 130lbs.-135lbs. 
  • My breasts are 34DD.
  • I have an almost non-existent derrière.
  • My dark brown hair has occasionally been the envy of other women, perhaps for its perceived thickness and ability to stay so strait and rarely frizz out. 
  • My mother says I have a perfect nose, which is lucky, given my half-middle eastern background. 
  • My lips are adequately full.
  • My eyebrows are sufficiently dark and proportional. 
  • My cheeks have come down in fullness, which I think has made me more attractive now than in my youth, so I guess I don’t have a “hot girl’s personality”.
  • I’m told I have a sexy voice, but I think it does change a bit with my mood.
• Hopefully Your Physical Description: 
  • North of 5’9”.
  • North 150lbs, south of 250lbs. 
  • Full head of hair. 
  • Teeth with few or no flaws. 
  • I prefer no dad bods, because I’m afraid it will stunt my attraction to potential candidates. I’m sorry, I wish I could alter my brain chemistry to not care about this in a sexual context. Plus, I know I’ll spend part of my 40’s and 50’s under dad bods, and I want to see what else is on the menu before I run out of options.
  • I do not care about dick size and telling me your measurement up front sort of turns me off.
• Who I am: 
  • I’m slightly introverted. Quite cynical, but I don’t really project that on others, but I am frequently told to be kinder to myself.
  • My favorite comedians are Louis CK and Bill Burr. Shane Gillis and John Mulaney are also great.
  • I guess my favorite shows are “Rick and Morty”, “Game of Thrones”, and “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel”.
  • I can talk about politics with anyone, even though my zest for politics has greatly decreased. I hate unpleasant confrontations, so I’m very good at finding common ground with conservatives and liberals, although I’m neither.
  • I work full time, usually from home. I am a mom and a devoted wife.
  • My husband and I never had enough of a sexual or a romantic connection. We are good friends and good co-parents. He makes me laugh hard on an almost weekly basis. I believe he is a closeted aegosexual. We have a DADT open marriage.
  • I’d talk about my hobbies in greater detail, but maybe I should leave you something to break the ice. 
• What I want:
  • What I had, haha. But I nuked that with my green horns and my chronic pessimism. It was a long distance, mostly digital relationship, so I’m interested in any postal code. I’ve been told by many that I’m a physically attractive woman. I can get casual sex quite easily, so if that’s what I wanted, I would un-pause my Feeld account and not bother writing this post.
  • I want a friend and a confidant. Sex, sure, but I want a friendship in there. More specifically-and this is where I will lose some of you-I want us to text* a couple times an hour during business hours. Maybe more. It can be sexual or non-sexual texting. Unfortunately, I’ve learned this is important to me. Fortunately, it should reduce the number of messages that come in. Currently, I have a man (or two) that I see in a sexual context that don’t communicate as much as I would like. It has become clear to me that this makes our trysts less fun/passionate. 

*can include audio memos, pictures, videos, etc.

Please note, any unsolicited dick pictures sent to me will be reciprocated with pictures of genitalia that have an STD outbreak. And then I’ll block you 12-24 hours later. 

For those of you that read to the end, I appreciate your consideration.