tl;dr is at the bottom

I F18 just graduated high school on a 3.0 (maybe 2.9) gpa. I actively have two major options to make before the end of the summer and I don’t know which one i’m going to make, so i’ll just get into it.

so option one, a couple months back, when i turned 18, i enlisted in the Marine Corps and did an interview with an officer for the NROTC scholarship because my scores were high enough. I ended up forgetting about the whole thing because i didn’t want to go to college and i was thinking of getting my 4yrs done and then just have veterans benefits. I also have a boyfriend who was supposed to go in as well and then later on, he backed out which i’ve noticed has made him way happier.

so anyways, i make some really cool friends with these people, i think they could keep me in shape and i could travel and just have money but then i win the scholarship to a school. great? nah now, i have to go to some random state and leave all my family behind, go to college on top of marine training and then once i get out, if i even do, i have to do 6 active years. now i know, i’m complaining, i have all these opportunities and it would be so stupid to just not go, but i truly don’t want to. i keep trying to convince myself that i like the idea of me going, but i just get disillusioned with the idea. and i can’t even postpone it for now, i HAVE to use this scholarship to go. i don’t WANT to go. i don’t want to be in the military at all, it sounds depressing, you have to listen to some dude and if you don’t, you could literally just get jail time, on top of the fact that it seems like the world is in a state of almost war and i’d have to listen to anything the guy in office says.

but the problem is everyone wants me to do it. to succeed and have school and the military done and be successful and that sounds great but i just don’t want to do that, my ideology of life isn’t to always work and constantly try to be successful. i don’t want to be rich, i just want to have a small job in a little house with my little family. i don’t want to be a billionaire. i know that sounds dumb to a lot of people but that’s my ideology. my mom and dad both went to college and they’re both still struggling. i am a pretty indecisive person and as the time passes, the pressure on my shoulders makes me more and more anxious. a part of me feels like maybe i’m just scared to do it and i’m too lazy to try to be successful but i don’t even know.

and then my other option is staying in my current state and making a small life of my own with my boyfriend in a small apartment with a cat and just being happy and saving up. i can always retry the military as a last resort if everything went to shit. i have free school from a community college because my high school and them did this free aid thing. the only thing i fear is disappointing everyone and everything messing up and feeling like i could’ve done the other option. i also want to try out being an esthetician and i have jobs and apartments lined up for both places but i every time i think about it, i just get so stressed out from making a decision i don’t even want to make.

so if anyone could give me advice and please don’t be condescending about it. it would be greatly appreciated.

tl;dr i have the option of either moving to another state and going to college for the military or staying in my current state and making a life of my own with my boyfriend.