I’ve been talk to this girl named Rachel for about a month now and we’ve done everything other than sex. At first she thought I was a red flag because I said in the beginning I was obsessed with her, but later I chilled out on saying that as I got to know her more. She takes 5-6 hrs to text back and since I stress out that she hates me I tend to push her away until I see her again in person. Whenever I even feel like someone doesn’t like me I tend to push them away as a way to get rid of the problem or just get back with them… I’m not really sure how to describe it but that’s who I am ig. I had online old friends I used to hang out with for like 6-7 years everyday and all of a sudden when they tried to join my irl life I pushed them away breaking the friend group… now it’s like a habit. Anyway, last Saturday was homecoming and I asked her to go with me and she said yes! On the day of HC she was her usual self not texting fast enough for me to feel happy (thats one of my problems) and I ended up getting to homecoming 2 hrs early keep in mind that we were supposed to have dinner together but since I wasn’t happy she texts back to late I ended up not going with he. After the 2 hrs passed she obviously wasn’t there and I couldn’t bring myself to text her cause I assumed she wouldn’t care or see it. I ended up texting her I’m leaving and She said she just got there. Everyone in my HC group was like do what you wanna do but I was already feeling like leaving but also didn’t want to leave her. I ended up saying something like if you don’t come out side I’m probably just gonna leave since that night we planned to have sex and get high. She said she wanted to stay for awhile and it bothered me so I decided to just leave because I thought she Betrayed me there was like 1 or 2 hrs left of HC. Later I told her let’s not talk anymore because I wasn’t in the best mind set (I get random depression spouts) and that just ruined it. Monday I apologized to her and said I’m sorry but ofc we all know you can’t mends someone’s broken heart and she said she wanted to take a break. Now it’s Friday and I’ve been fing depressed because of my terrible choices. So I decided to text her a paragraph that sums up my messed unreason why I didn’t go to HC with her and heartfully apologized and told her I really wanna continue this even though I messed up such an important day. She told me she could think of me the same way because she didn’t think I was that type of guy. And it was the first time a guy treated her like that. That stung a lot. Later that day I told her if she wants to break up I’ll understand because I was the one who ruined it. But also told her this entire week we’ve been on break I’ve thought about wtf is wrong with me and that I’ve been trying to improve myself. There’s a lot more stuff but this is getting kinda long. Ik I definitely don’t deserve her but again I don’t wanna loose her, Ik the answer is to be dumped but I don’t wanna be dumped. Am I messed up and is this effecting her idk what to think I just need some type of solution here cause thinking about leaving her or her leaving me is making me extremely depressed. If you can give me a type of advice can you also throw in what I should do about this loneliness I’ll feel once she leaves or if she decides to stay which I kinda doubt she hasn’t responded yet. Am I terrible person for putting my gf in this situation. For pictures of the paragraph just ask me cause rn I feel like I’m falling apart.