I think about posting. I think about making YouTube videos or maybe livestreaming, but I am such a cynical and bitter dude that I look out into the world at all the people expressing themselves and I think "how self-aggrandizing and self centered, to think anyone cares." Realistically, this seems to be a projection of how I feel about myself, and thus I never really post anything, I stopped making videos as a teenager, I like the idea of streaming but once more, "to think anyone cares."

I'll be honest, I have spent the last several months just isolating myself in my fancy schmancy apartment, not really talking to anyone, trying to tell myself there is some sort of tranquility and peace in all this silence and time, but truth be told I am anxious. I am always feeling like crawling out of my own skin. It sort of occurred to me that I really need to start re-evaluating my sense of self worth, and the ways in which I see myself and the world around me. It gets old trusting in only the worst in people, it gets old spacing out on my couch and staring at a black TV screen wondering why in the world I am not happy, or in a better place in my life. It gets old trying to fight back the intense feeling that I just want to lay in bed and never get out of it again, because you know, "who cares anyways?" From the time I wake up to the time I go back to sleep, I am usually berating myself for being stupid, impulsive, bad with money, perpetually distracted and aloof, dispassionate, too kind, not kind enough, inconsiderate, unfunny, uncool, a bad friend, a bad partner; I think about all the times I have lied and stolen and swindled people, cheated on girlfriends, stolen from family. It is occurring to me that if you asked me what my core values are - what are the principles I live by? I couldn't give you a clear answer. I have no code of ethic. I just want to make money and have nice things. I give no second thoughts to decision making, if even a first thought. I am prone to cutting corners, ignoring rules, and generally being a rebel for rebellions sake. Even to this day I am seeing a girl I cheated on unbeknownst to her, and have her convinced I quit cigs and weed when I am blitzed every day and chainsmoke a pack or more a day. I feel like such a piece of shit.

When you start to live life like this, thinking like this, it seems like the one who starts to care the least about me is me. I am at a point where I care enough to throw this pity party and feel shame at all hours, but somehow still haven't done anything about it. I start psychiatric help on the 23rd.