I dont come from the best of places but am now doing pretty well for myself. I count my blessings everyday but its eating away at me.

Gun crime, stabbings, drugs ect...I made a choice to leave it all behind but feel like shit because of it. I just have a hard time comprehending my emotions, I was never taught to. That on top of my very closed off personality, possibly stemming from trauma when younger. I dont really feel much anymore. I haven't cried for years eventhough I have tried. I didnt cry as my grandfather died holding my hand. I didnt cry when I failed my exams after struggling for two years. I dont feel much. I was moulded to keep my cards to my chest. Use people. Compartmentalise friends.

I am so blessed. I have travelled Europe (alone), annd grew up between London and Manchester, had the best grades of year, fit and healthy, I have a loving but loosely bound family and am on my dream course. I got out before I could be dragged in so haven't experienced much first hand but watched my community from the sidelines.

I guess it's a nasty concoction of different feelings. Survivors guilt of sorts, confidence issues, family pressure, fear of what I could have been. I hated the way i looked but often now get told I'm very good looking, I struggle to believe it. Maybe pressure of doing well for the people I grew up with because I have a chance. People looked up to me but I feel like I lied to them.

I dont really have anyone to talk to. I'm a pretty affectionate guy but have no one to be affectionate to, I freindzone and push away women subconsciously, albeit on purpose. I'm lonely. Lockdown and being a 1st year student has prevented me from meeting anyone. I'm find it hard connecting online, I'm an in person type of guy. I dont have a big social media presence so find it hard to keep up.

I think what I'm asking for is just general advice. Maybe your immediate thoughts after reading my post too. Am I a psychopath or somthing?

Please speak your mind. I'm very thick skinned and very logical so I will take everything you say on hosts without anger or that shit.

Although I find it hard to turn my emotions into somthing tangible, hopefully I have done a good enough job for you guys.